Adult Childhood

(A reflective story when God met me in the weariness and newness of marriage, ministry, and disappointment. Taken from my book: Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul. You can read a portion of the book for free on my Free Inspiration page or purchase a copy on amazon by clicking here)

“What I want is for your soul to be fully alive.” The King spoke clearly to my heart. When He did my eyes shimmered like brimming pools of the deepest amber. Something in my mind resisted His invitation. I knew He was calling me away into the depths of my soul.

“Forget about religion, darling, forget about everything you’ve learned…and let me show you.”
He extended his hand, his eyes beckoning me.
“I’ve been told You wanted my service. I’ve been told You wanted my works.”
“What natural father only wants that out of his daughter?”
I paused and looked down remembering my own father. Even when he made me do
things…he only did it with my best interest at heart. He wanted me to succeed at life. He wanted me to do well and be secure.
“Ashley, your earthly father wants you to prosper in the ways that he knows is best for you to prosper. He can’t cause your soul to prosper…to be fully alive. But this is the thing that I want as your Heavenly Daddy, as your Papa…nobody knows what your soul needs better than I.”
I met His eyes once again and they beckoned me to come with Him.
“Let me show you…let me love you.”

I took His extended hand and was surprised by its warmth and tenderness. Immediately my whole body went warm and I felt like my heart was turned into a hearth softly humming with a burning fire. What was it inside of me that He touched? I knew not…only that healing was already taking place.
“Now close your eyes beloved one.”
I closed my eyes without hesitating. Immediately we were in the Colorado mountains.
“What do you see beloved?” He inquired.
I sighed with disappointment. “I see snow…typical.”
“What’s wrong with snow?” He asked.
“Nothing is wrong with it. It’s beautiful…but …,” my voice trailed off until it disappeared.
Unmet desire shuttered like a seed underneath frosted soil threatened.
“You miss California, don’t you?”
My eyes pricked with tears. I felt an unwanted pain in my heart, “More than words can say. I didn’t expect this…I know it’s not my home but it still feels that way within.”
A surprising anger rose within, “And every time I want to go it’s like my plans are
thwarted. I just don’t understand! Is this really what adulthood is like?! You can’t go where you want? You must be on someone else’s clock ALL the time?! Is ministry just service? Is being a wife letting go of your vision for a man’s? I feel so used in a way. I feel so lost, and yet I’m expected to pray and minister to others. I’m supposed to take care of the house, I’m supposed to support my husband, I’m supposed to cook and clean and be a good wife, a good mentor to the young women You bring me. And I FEEL like I’m failing ALL the time!”
My anger turned to sorrow and I forced myself not to cry in front of Abba.

God took me on a walk along a park path. Trees dripping with white snow powdered the
pavement. We turned a corner and I felt disappointment of the bareness of it all. The mountains
made waves of white and emerald green along the horizon. I sighed at the scene. I missed the lush carpet green of the hills of California. I missed the jade grass, the polychromatic flowers of Spring. I missed the sparkling waves of the beach. I missed the way the water shimmered like opal marble under the sun. Only it was moving marble. It was living art—like stepping into a painting only to find it real.

Jesus took me to a section of the park where there was dirt. He knelt down on His knees
and dug up some dirt before cupping it in his hands.
“Beloved wife, what do you see?” He asked. His voice was like the most welcoming fire. I wondered where Abba went but I knew He was here still…in Jesus. Somehow, they were One.
Why He would switch on me I knew not. But I didn’t mind at all.
“I see frozen earth.” I let out a heavy sigh.
“Is this dead to you?”
“Much more dead than other places I’ve been,” I said noticing it was lacking nutrition and
covered with snow.
“Do you know what’s underneath here?”
“No.”
“Seeds.”
I frowned slightly.
“These seeds never die…they wait.”
“I don’t understand what You’re trying to say.”
“What do seeds do?”
“They grow…into things.”
“They grow into who they are. Nobody knows what a seed is with the naked eye until it
begins to grow…at least not most,” He grinned brightly.
I took an unexpected comfort from His smile. He made me feel so at home…so
comfortable.
“Do you remember when Papa asked you if you missed California and you had a pain in
your heart?”
I nodded.
“Well,” He continued, “let’s say that pain is like a desire coming from a seed inside your
soul. What would cause that seed or desire pain? When it is stifled. You want to grow. You want to become. But you can’t seem to in your eyes. There are places within in you that are like seeds underneath frozen earth. There are seeds of joy in you that seem to be stifled underneath circumstances, beliefs, disappointments, depression, and sadness…those things could represent a layer of ice on your soil…on your heart.”

I felt a brokenness in my heart. It was, I realized, like earth so solid in some places it could have been ice. Yet it was ice with rifts of tears in it.
“You need not worry, my darling,” Jesus reassured me, “I will tell you the answer.”
“What is it?” I asked eagerly.
Jesus blew on the dirt in his hands revealing some seeds.
“Hope.”
I stared at the seeds in His hands. These white seeds hadn’t even begun to sprout.
“Hope…” I repeated, thinking.
“It’s the only thing warm enough to melt the snow into water that the seed needs to grow.”
“I think it will be hard to hope.”
“Why loved one?”
“Because my hopes…were…,” my voice faded.
“Disappointed?” Jesus asked with a knowing look in His eyes.
“Yes,” I said silently, “for years.”
“My dear, put your hope in a place where it will never be let down. Your heart is too
precious for anything else.” He rose, a great compassion in His eyes. Tears began to trail His
cheeks and I was surprised by His empathy. “I created your heart,” He breathed warmly, “I put an eternal hope in there. There is a sun within you that can melt any snow outside of you.”
“I don’t feel that strong,” I choked up and began to sob.
“Let me be strong for you…just hope.” He embraced me and relief swelled throughout my body like an ocean wave.
I sighed as I breathed in the scents of Him…the aroma of His soul.
“Only imagine, beloved…only dream, and hope will emerge like a bird with beautiful
wings and take flight in your soul.”

~Dear Reader,
Since writing this story Father has lead me deeper into a daily hope. Almost all of my
dreams have come true, and the rest are in process. Stephen and I have a baby girl, Eden-Rain. We have moved to California for ministry, and I live close to family. My Christian Daycare has been approved by the state of California and my author website is up and running. I have lost all of my baby weight, and I am now a licensed Christian Life Coach. God promised me He would provide for all the money in order for me to take go through the certification courses and He did! More recently my book Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul has caught the eye of a literary agent, and she would like to present it to publishers for marketing and distribution.

I encourage you to give your precious heart dreams to God. He is so tender and faithful to breathe life and promise on the gifts and talents that He’s placed within you. He has no favorites. What He will do for one, He will do for another. We are all His children and He loves each of us unconditionally. Your walk with God is sacred and beautiful ground to Him. He longs to be intimate with you and invited into the deep places of your heart. He wants to revive every place within you and make your soul into a lush garden where dreams blossom like wide petal flowers and faith becomes like sweet, juicy fruit dripping from trees.

“Now I know that I am filled with my beloved
and all his desires are fulfilled in me.
Come away, my lover.
Come with me to the faraway fields.
We will run away together to the forgotten places
and show them redeeming love.
Let us arise and run to the vineyards of your people
and see if the budding vines of love are now in full bloom.
We will discover if their passion is awakened.
There I will display my love for you.
The love apples are in bloom,
sending forth their fragrance of spring.
The rarest of fruits are found at our doors—
the new as well as the old.
I have stored them for you, my lover-friend!”

-Song of Solomon 7:10-13, taken from Biblegateway.com