~Written in 2010 when I was single and (impatiently) waiting on God for a spouse. This encouraging testimony is included in my book, Visions of Celestial Love(A Rediscovery of God’s Grace and Love).
My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you, how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you! –Galatians 4:19-20
Dear God I love this. I love how Paul considered the church of Galatians to be his child. He loved them affectionally and passionately. In pain did he carry and bear them in his heart. So deep was his love for them that he wrote a whole book of the Bible inspired by them. With every word he wrote and with every prayer he earnestly knocked on your heavenly door to share his zealous love for your children God. Such a righteous God-fearing leader did you bless them with and have blessed me with.
I cannot help but think of my own pastor when I read these two verses. He’s always glad to see me when I walk through the church doors. On several occasions he’s come up to me and said, “You’re such a good girl. God has a great plan for your life,” and “I appreciate your faithfulness it really touched my heart,” and “You’ve got a sweet heart there are many people who love you at this church.”
I’m reminded of that Halloween night God where I decided for “once” I was going to disobey you. I was angry with you God. I cannot deny it. Forgive me. I was making decisions from a wounded aching heart. I had asked you for something, something my heart so desired for. Many times I had asked you to bring him to me Lord. To bring me my godly husband. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and every guy that I was ever interested in, I turned down for his lack of commitment to You. Little was I thinking of my commitment to Christ, and that before any man He is my lover, my husband. The night I had cried on the couch when you told to me “wait.” Wait was not what I wanted to hear. Too many nights of tears and too many comments from others such as “you’re such a goody goody,” from secular friends finally created a hole in the strong wall of my faithfulness.
My sisters were going to a staff party and to their surprise I asked to join them. We went to my sister’s friends house. I found a comfortable seat in the backyard and sat quietly. I felt uneasy and out of place. As the night progressed a drunk guy went around offering people drinks. Never would I have gotten up and fetched a drink for myself…my spirit wouldn’t allow it. This merry guy high in spirits with short wavy dark hair approached me and held out a glass of some alcoholic drink. Immediately my eldest sister protested “Not her! She’s misses innocent.” Inside the Holy Spirit told me “no” but I was tired of listening to Him. My hand flinched as my body and spirit waged war against one another. Within seconds Omar, my sister’s Jewish and Egyptian friend whom I was attracted to, ran directly in front of me and held out his hands in a way that reminded me of Christ on the cross. “Not this one dude. She’s too young.” The drunken guy insisted but Omar didn’t budge “Not this one.” he said again. Finally after a few moments of debating the drunken guy gave in. As soon as he left Omar walked away too.
I pondered what happened in my heart and later I wrote about it. You kept me pure God by using Omar, an unbeliever, to protect me. I never was attracted to the drink but I was attracted to Omar and in the end you refused me both. The drink left in the drunken guys arms and Omar left with his own two feet. I remember telling this event to Pastor one night excluding my feelings for Omar and just like Paul he was perplexed about me. “Young lady don’t you ever go to a party like that again.” He said firmly. I told him “I won’t.” “Thank God that young man was there to stop you.” I nodded my head. Pastor then told me that sometimes when a good shepherd saw that one of his sheep was straying on dangerous ground the shepherd would take his staff and break one of the sheep’s legs and then carry the animal back to safety on his shoulders. “You see the sheep can only see so far. It would have never known if maybe a pack of wolves was there on the other side of the hill.” I wondered why he told me this.
He looked at me with serious blue eyes “If I ever see you straying on dangerous ground…I’m not lying, I would break your leg. Better your leg get broken than for you to be in the company of wolves.” Some would find my Pastor’s words threatening or inappropriate but I found them sweet. I thank God that I have a spiritual father who is zealous to have “Christ formed in me.”
To check out my book, Visions of Celestial Love, click here. May your soul be blessed by the reality of God’s love for you!
“Ashley presents us with a true cornucopia of modern psalms, personal testimonies, and short stories. She has set out to reveal and unravel some of the most complex heart issues mankind faces in our quest of understanding what true intimacy with God really looks like. Prepare to have your soul massaged and worked on as you read Visions of Celestial Love.” — Jeremy Minard, Servant King Apparel
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” -Jesus in John 13:34-35
How do you view the church? Do you view it as an organization? Do you view it as a religious institution? Do you view it as a charity?
What comes to your mind when you think of the church? What do you feel in your heart?
For years I had a rocky (love-hate) relationship with the church. My first real experience of the church came after I fully gave my heart to Jesus, alone, living in college campus housing, at 16 years old. I saw what looked like white translucent rain falling through the ceiling and I felt a cloud expand in my chest as Jesus came to truly live and abide in my heart. I quickly became enthralled with Jesus as I learned how to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and keep a tender heart toward the Bible (I read the Bible cover to cover).
After I was born-again, I had a newfound, sweetly pure but dangerously naïve view of the church and myself. I saw the church as a place of “Jesus-filled” people. I thought everyone would basically be “perfect” and always show unfailing love to one another even in the midst of disagreements (my expectations were obviously not based in reality. For although we have been made perfect in Christ -Hebrews 10:13, we have to actively choose to walk in the fruit of the Holy Spirit/perfection -Galatians 5:22-23).
Because I loved Jesus, I proactively started to become involved with my local church. I spent years volunteering at church in different areas. I met and made the first real friendships in my life. I met the most precious people on earth to my heart. I was richly showered with love, care, generosity and wisdom from a lot of the people around me (particularly a group of older women who I called my “best friends.”). I was so plugged in and had built such meaningful relationships that I practically lived at church. I was there 5-7 days a week, literally. I worked at the church preschool (that accounted for at least 3 days), I served as a youth leader on Wednesday nights, I served as a Missionette teacher on family nights, I was there Sunday to attend and sometimes I would serve as a prayer minister or nursery worker etc. It was beautiful for a long time.
However, after four years I spiraled into disillusionment and disappointment with the church (as a whole) when I faced a faith-shaking crisis “alone.” I felt left alone in the midst of the greatest storm of sadness and hopelessness in my life. The people I thought would come to my aid and offer love, were oblivious to my deeply internal pain (for details on what my crisis entailed, click here). I let the perceived abandonment of misunderstandings sink me into a whirling pool of bitterness.
In my emotional pit, I began to think back over the years and focus on the little offenses and hurts that I had experienced in church. As I played these episodes in my mind, I began to nitpick the issues I saw within the church (some of them were imagined). Slowly I began to criticize others and sometimes side with the Accuser in my head concerning my divine family.
If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command; Those who love God must also love their fellow believers. -1 John 4:20-21
Later, I tentatively adopted my own version of the infamous mantra, “I love Jesus but I hate the church.” I never truly “hated” the church but I certainly allowed my heart to harden toward it. The paradoxical philosophy of “Lord save me from your people” was rippling across culture at the time and for all its luminous and intellectually lucid appeal, its foundation was a murky cesspool of: bitterness, hurt, unforgiveness, misunderstanding, judgement, rebellion, faithlessness, and a vast assortment of carnality.
For a brief season, I was swept away in its viciously charming tide.
Thankfully, Father came after my heart through his unconditional love. He appealed to my heart as a loving Father who longs for his children to harmoniously live together as family:
I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. –1 Corinthians 1:10 NLT
I slowly began to re-receive his grace. During this healing process, He slowly lifted the dark veil of bitterness from my eyes and washed my heart with cleansing mercy. I began to see how wrong I had been in my view of the church. I began to look at that time in my life objectively instead of narrowly from a place of emotional despair. With clearer vision, I noticed the ways I had sunken myself into the crisis. I saw how I had been partly responsible for the ignorance in others. After all, I kept my crisis hidden from many of them (I guess I wanted them to know intuitively that I needed help instead of being vulnerable and honest about my own personal weaknesses, mistakes, doubts and feelings of being “used and discarded.”).
The few precious people who did know how severe the trauma was, did come along side of me in prayer, visits, text messages, patience, gifts and love. They didn’t all love me in the way I wanted to be loved, some of them were wrong in their speech and actions… but they did show love to the best of their ability (at that time, my mind was so stormy with tumultuous thoughts, someone could easily have offended me).
God used those people to help save me (literally save me) and help me see, how much I needed the church. I began to see and feel the love of God for the church and offer them the same mercy God was showing me. I began to overlook their faults and forgive them and myself.
We love each other because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19
My view of the church has gradually become more mature and more based in reality and scriptural soundness. The church is my family. The church is my first taste of heaven. The church is a part of my eternal spirit because the church is the Body of Christ. And we are all parts of Jesus. If one part of the body is broken off…the whole body is now crippled. If one part of the body is bruised, the whole body is damaged as a result (I did a short video on this, you can view it by clicking here):
There is one body, but it has many parts. But all its many parts make up one body. It is the same with Christ. We were all baptized by one Holy Spirit. And so we are formed into one body. It didn’t matter whether we were Jews or Gentiles, slaves or free people. We were all given the same Spirit to drink. So the body is not made up of just one part. It has many parts. -1 Corinthians 12:12-14
More recently my view of the church has changed since becoming a mother to more than one child.
Shortly after giving birth to my second child, I began to taste the love of God for the church in a whole new way. I wrote a prayer for my daughters and the church during a heated season of rampant division and discord in our nation:
In this world that likes to divide us because of political differences, racial sensitivities, religious traditions, sub-cultural perspectives, and an endless list of other things…my prayer for our girls is that the love of Jesus will guard their relationship . I pray they will never let the world drift them apart. I pray they will be unoffendable because of the radiance and truth of God abiding in their hearts.
I pray they will support each other through thick and thin. I pray they will learn to easily forgive and to reconcile differences in a peaceful manner (learn mature conflict resolution). I pray they will walk in God’s wisdom which is humble and full of understanding. I pray they will flourish in life and have a rich relationship with each other (even after I’m gone from this earth. I pray they will be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically strong for their entire lives and that their inner source will be the life of Jesus inside of them.
I pray they will give to one another when the other is in financial stress. I pray their children and husbands will get along and learn family value. I pray they will be examples of Heaven’s ways on earth..
Because as Christians we cannot allow our love to grow cold. Jesus told us to love each other deeply from the heart. And to love one another the way He has shown us love. That kind of love is sacrificial and selfless in nature…divine. It’s the cure for this planet. It’s the medicine for the diseased soul. It’s the peace that surpasses understanding. And it’s the joy that brings strength to those who are feeble and faint with the trails and worries of life:
-“Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies.”
–“Blessed are the peacemakers. For they will be called children of God.” -Jesus in Matthew 5:9
–“Six things God hates…he who sows discord among brethren.” -Proverbs 6:19
One of the worst things I can imagine as a parent is the thought of my children growing up and then hating one another. I couldn’t imagine anything much more heartbreaking than seeing my children…whom I raised together and at one point thought I was giving my life for (childbirth)…full of resentment toward each other. Now, I can only imagine God’s heart breaking up in heaven as He watches his children quarreling, slandering and accusing each other. So many broken relationships over political and social drama…even after His Son died so that we might be united and joined together as a redeemed family. I pray we, the church, learn to walk in love toward each other and not let the temporal issues of the world keep us from our heavenly mission and the bond of peace, unity and faith
~My husband took these photos of myself and the girls a few weeks after Elena was born <3
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t be alive today or have most of the good things in my life had it not been for brothers and sisters in Christ. No matter who has hurt you, God’s love can make you whole again. Although the church is not everything it should be now…it will be just like Jesus in eternity. We will all live in such celestial bliss and divine love and harmony with each other that no tears will be left to cry. We are forever family. I pray God leads you to brothers and sisters in Christ who will be this in your life. I pray you will be this to other members of Christ’s body as well, knowing that what heals them ultimately heals you. And what heals you, ultimately heals them.
“When I read Visions of Celestial Love, it is as if I am brought down to my knees to worship. What the Holy Spirit has done in and through Ashley, He is doing also in me. What a wonderful experience. It is very rich. Thank you for sharing the treasure.”—Riko Suci Alam, CEO of Ligar Jaya and owner of Clove Garden hotel in Bandung Indonesia.
~A short story about forgiveness, written from the perspective of an unfaithful, ambitious husband
“Sharon,” I mumbled as I slipped in and out of
consciousness.
“Rose,” I heard a sweet voice reply. My eyes slurred beneath my eyelids. Rose of Sharon, I thought wistfully, remembering Song of Solomon. It was her intimate name…the name I had called her when we consummated our marriage. The smell of vaporous pear butter soothed my senses. My body was sweaty and achy. Pain licked up my back as I tried to shift.
“Shhh, rest now,” the soft voice
said. My eyes were crusted close.
“I want to see,” I groaned,
pleading inside for sight. I heard shuffling in the room and a shaft of light
moved—curtains were being drawn back.
“I know,” Sharon replied, tears
coating her voice, “I’ve prayed for you to see
for years now.” Her uttered words were like a palpable force leaving me
wondering how deeply I had hurt her.
A tea kettle whistled and for a moment I could sense her peaceful presence no more. Water was being poured. Moaning weakly, I felt for her with my hands, craving the comfort of her touch. She drew by my side and took hold of my hand. Her supple fingers were smooth like running cream. She lightly caressed my fingertips before she intertwined her hand in mine. She sat beside me and plush lips moist with tears met my perspiring forehead.
“You’ve been in the dark too long,”
she whispered.
She released my hand, dipped hers
in a bowl of oiled water and gently rubbed her thumbs across my eyes. I
breathed deeply as the scent of frankincense and myrrh created an aromatic fog
around my face.
“It’s anointing oil,” Sharon
soothed.
My eyes fluttered open and the golden sunlight pouring in from the window almost blinded me. Translucent curtains waved as a fresh breeze seeped in from the cracked windowsill.
My eyes squinted as Sharon dipped a floral towel in the steaming water. It was the same towel she had worked on for weeks. I had called it a “rag” in the past—considering it drab and ugly. Only now could I see the delicate detail she had put in it. Bright red apples danced like rubies across the cloth.
Sharon smiled tenderly at me as she carefully wiped the sweat from my brow and dabbed my neck and chest with the towel. I relaxed as she worked, feeling a healing presence gently warm my body through her fingertips. For a moment, the sunlight formed a halo behind her silhouette.
Why was she doing this?
I had walked out on her and fully intended to take all of our marital assets, given time. If it hadn’t been for that potentially fatal car accident last week, that temporarily had me bedridden, I would have done so by now. I knew how to swindle the system well—banking, no greed, had taught me that. Greed for wealth had made me a cunning swindler…a breaker of her heart.
The words she had oft spoken to me
came back, “Love is patient…it keeps no record of wrongs…God’s love in us
does not fail.”
I peered at her. Her eyes were like the richest cinnamon glinting with flecks of amber. Her glossy raspberry lips and cheeks were awash with tears. I could see the trail of them on her chin and neck. She moved to massage my scalp when I caught her wrist. A small gasp escaped her lips and she stared at me.
I’m sorry. The words burned to escape my throat.
I only looked back at her. My jaw clenched and my eyes twitched.
Why couldn’t I say it?
What held me back?
Her beatific eyes rained rivers of love on me and something in my heart broke free like water crashing against a dam.
“Why?!” I wept brokenly, surprised
to find myself crying.
“Because God’s love never fails.”
My eyes widened as the empyrean light behind her became a Man. Like a balmy song, a cherubic voice spoke in the air, “I’ve prayed for you to see for years now.”
“Ashley presents us with a true cornucopia of modern psalms, personal testimonies, and short stories. She has set out to reveal and unravel some of the most complex heart issues mankind faces in our quest of understanding what true intimacy with God really looks like. Prepare to have your soul massaged and worked on as you read Visions of Celestial Love.” — Jeremy Minard, Founder of Servant King Apparel, Active U.S Navy
