Author: Ashley McClelland

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Long Awaited Confession

~This is a sneak peek at my upcoming book, At The Time For Love, based on the holy marital covenant God made in Ezekiel 16. I hope you enjoy! <3

I gazed into his frozen emerald eyes. His frame stood like a mountain over mama’s. His broad shoulders were once the landscape that I leaned on.

Just as sorrow threatened to rise I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, I am with him. He will be home soon.

“Thank you for looking after him.” I whispered to my divine Friend.

Always. I will never leave him or forsake him.

The Holy Spirit ministered to my soul as I went in my parents’ bathroom. It smelled of fragrant oils and I opened the sea foam green cabinet with a sapphire blue knob. I saw mama’s oils in a clear container. After opening it I searched for the two peppermint and myrrh. It took a while to finger through and read the tiny labels, but after a few minutes I successful retrieved them. Making sure to roll the dark amber oil glass containers in place, I secured the lid back on before putting the container back. As I raised I noticed a weathered looking letter addressed to mama. I could see faded black words in ink through the folding. It looked like Papa’s penmanship. Curiosity itched my mind but I withdrew purposefully. I was sure it was a letter that all of us had read before. And besides, I didn’t want to go sifting through anything that mama wasn’t aware of.

I made my way into the kitchen and saw that David had taken out several ingredients for the cookies. He was already done with the alcoholic mixture and Thomas seemed very well contended sipping it.

“High quality stuff,” Thomas said leaning back in the chair causing two of the legs to lift off the floor.

“What did I tell you about that?” Mama gently reprimanded and Thomas quickly corrected his posture. Kendell was finishing his drink and I saw the annoyed, tight-lipped expression on his face as he glanced at Thomas. He surely didn’t expect the tables to be turned on him like it was.

When I came within eyeshot of mama she waved for me to follow her. I was grateful we weren’t going to have our one on one in the same room as my brothers…especially with the mood of things.

Mama took me back down the hallway but this time instead of making a right turn we made a left. I saw we were headed to her library, also known as papa’s office.

She closed the door behind us and I waited for her direction.

She stretched her hand out with an open palm, signaling for me to sit on the plush kali tufted chaise lounge chair. The smell of old books was like wearing a comforting sweater to my senses.

I took her nonverbal cue and sat down at the edge of the chair. She took up a small bag from the large mahogany desk and looped around me before sitting at the base. Her legs stretched forward on both sides of my hips and I briefly grabbed the hazelnut cushion to steady myself.

“Lean back a little dear,” she welcomed.

I obeyed and held out the oils over my shoulder. She took them and put them beside her.

Slowly and quietly she unwound my hair.

Soft red curls made long waves down my back and fell by my lower spine. Mama gathered the hair in her hands and gently flicked her hands, causing bunches of my hair to fan out and then return like a swing at a park.

“Such glorious flames,” she praised.

I almost blushed as a swell of heat flushed my cheeks.

“Thanks mama.”

“I’m glad you never cut yours like Ginger.”

I nodded, “me too. Although I know Ginger likes her short Shirley temple bob.”

Mama agreed, “I do too. I didn’t think I would… but her haircut suites her. She had eyes to see what I couldn’t.”

“Hmmm…she had eyes to see what none of us could…even papa.”

Mama made a noise that left me wondering. I heard her untwist the lid to one of the oils. Within a few seconds I knew it was the peppermint one because the strong refreshing aroma burst into the air like a birthday candle being lit.

Mama let a few drops fall on her finger tips before she began massaging the therapeutic oil into my scalp. Her nimble but gentle hands immediately caused my shoulders to relax. I closed my eyes and let myself breathe in deeply.

After a minute or so of receiving a silent scalp rub mama spoke, “I believe you have eyes to see what others cannot dear.”

My eyes opened at that.

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

Mama didn’t answer at first. She picked up the brush and began stroking my hair. She seemed to be searching for a way to verbalize her thoughts. Finally, she spoke.

“I believe you have a way of seeing God that is special.”

My heart went warm.

“I think everyone has their own special way of relating to God.”

“Of course, we all do,” mama agreed, “everyone must have their own personal relationship. He’s not a distant God. He’s right here,” she tapped the skin over my heart and then her own. “And He’s up there,” she said pointing toward the heavens.

Mama reached for the comb when she hit a few small knots. I was amazed that I had missed the amount that I did.

“But dear…it isn’t the personal relationship I was talking about. It’s your child-like innocence.”

I didn’t know how to respond so I remained quiet.

“Few people grow up and remain so oblivious to…the corruption of the world. If not the corruption then at least the knowledge of the evil.”

“Oh mama, if that’s anybody in this house then it’s Ginger.” I said trying not to sound dismissing.

“Yes, Ginger is pure and unsurprisingly so. She’s 14 and has been homeschooled her whole life.”

Several seconds passed by and mama sighed. I didn’t know whether it was from the tangles in my hair or something bottled inside of her. “Autumn…you see God in everything dear. He talks to you. He shows you things…and you listen. You may not express it much but you listen.”

“It’s why I write.” I confessed and felt my eyes water. I didn’t know why I was reacting the way I was. “I don’t know how else to give life to what He speaks to me. I try to live out the way He wants but I find I fall short often…especially with my mouth.”

She worked in silence, waiting for me to continue.

“But I’m coming to realize He’s not after my performance. He’s been after my heart…my fears…my desires and our relationship. I think once I let Him in…the behavior will naturally follow.”

“Of course, it will,” mama said lovingly and kissed my ear.

A tear slipped from my eye and I wanted to hide it but didn’t.

“He’s amazing mama. More amazing than I ever knew. More amazing than I understand now. And He’s so close. So close and always present to all my needs. He knows everything about me and He just wants in on everything because He just wants me.”

My vision blurred and I wrung my fingers.

“When did this start happening?” I heard mama whisper thickly to herself. Her voice was so hushed I thought I’d imagined it.

“About the time James came to town,” I said without meaning to. The words flew out of my mouth but it was like I was hearing them being spoken by a stranger.

“What?” Mama asked, her pitch much higher this time.

I bite my fingernails into the cushion and held my tongue.

“Autumn?” Mama questioned when I stayed quiet.

I gulped slowly. I had just realized the truth of it myself and I was still processing everything. More so, I was mortified that my mother was the first to know!

“Autumn?” She inquired again, this time with a little more force.

“Huh?” I answered innocently.

“What do you mean?”

I glanced down at my hands. I felt a tingling sensation in my chest…like saccharine roots burrowing down in my heart.

She had completely forgotten about my hair. Her hands were now on my arms. I risked and leaned back into her chest and she embraced me. Clear trails of tears lined my cheeks.

“Oh honey. Why are you crying?” She asked surprised.

Woman, why are you crying? I remembered the first words of Jesus when He had resurrected from the dead. Healing words meant to comfort his beloved friend Mary Magdeline.

Mama hugged me more snuggly and she planted light kisses across my forehead.

Mama, I love him! I wanted to say. It felt so safe to tell her but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I wasn’t sure why.

“It’s just…he has been such an example of Jesus in our friendship. And I know our relationship has made me open up to God in ways I hadn’t before. I feel like I’ve let go of some fears and so I’ve been able to grow up in Christ and mature more.”

“You certainly behave more maturely…and you even dress more…womanly.” Mama commented thoughtfully. Her eyes flickered and I saw she was thinking. A pensive look overshadowed her face and then a brightness.

“You and James are good friends?”

My heart thudded in my chest.

“Yes, we are.” I admitted.

“Just friends?” Mama asked.

Dread came over me and I felt the blood rush down from my face. “Not just friends. We’re…uh…brother and sister in Christ.” I bleated. I was grateful for the scapegoat.

“Well of course you are,” mama chuckled warmly, “I already knew that.”

I raised up and she released me.

Before she could say anything more about James I rushed away from discussing him, “he’s helped me open up to God more without realizing it. But mostly I hear from God when I’m away from James. He speaks to me in the night before I go to bed…well that is…if I listen. I find myself talking to Him more when I wake up. And I’ve been seeing things too mama. Such beautiful things. I can’t fully describe them.”

Mama played along, “what kind of things dear?” she asked untwisting the myrrh. I described to her the vision I had in James truck on my way to see Carol and Josh for the first time.

Her breath caught when I told of her seeing people from every tribe, tongue and nation worshipping…and how big Jesus was that all I could see was his legs and feet.

She sniffled and said emotionally, “I could almost see it when you were talking.”

“I think that’s the first time anything like that’s happened to me.”

“Yes….” Mama said slowly, a corner of her lips lifted, “and you said you were in James’ truck?”

I sighed loudly, “yes, but what does that matter?”

“It doesn’t unless it does.”

“Well it doesn’t.”

“Doesn’t it? You just said so yourself that your relationship with God has changed since you’ve known James.”

“I…I think God just used James to introduce me to Himself in ways He’s been trying to for a long time now.”

“God uses people hun. We are His body. He seldom if ever moves without us. We are His temple, His church, His children…” she began massaging the myrrh into my scalp before whispering, “His bride.”

I unconsciously stiffened.

“But you don’t have to tell me anything that you’re not ready to,” she continued, “I could tell you’ve been blossoming over the past few months. You’re like a late rose, opening up to reveal the most beautiful petals. You’re maturing. At the time for love.”

I chortled nervously, “I think Paige and David are at that stage mama. They are more mature than Kendell, Thomas or Ginger and I.”

“Yes, they are.” She agreed.

“If you want grandchildren, I would recommend them first.” I tried to make my voice sound flat and emotionless.

“I never said anything about grandchildren,” Mama said pleased, “but the sound of some is a nice change.”

I bit my bottom lip and said nothing.

Mama detected my spiking nervous energy and began a prayer, “Jesus, thank you for Autumn. I pray you help her to receive more of your love and to show her how much I love her. Thank you for steadily driving out any fears or misconceptions that she may have toward herself, You and her family. I pray that one day she understands fully that she can share anything with me. Strengthen our relationship by your love and Spirit. In your name I pray, amen.”

Her prayer eased me as well as the way her fingers rubbed into my skin.

We both sat in silence until she was done. I was grateful that she didn’t press me anymore.

Afterward she French braided my hair and it resembled a stocky glossy rope.

She tied the bottom with a green elastic band.

“There,” she exhaled satisfied.

I spread my fingers as my hand trailed down the braid, “thank you mama.”

“You’re welcome dear.” She said and began putting everything away in the bag.

I stood and when she gave me her nonverbal approval, I headed for the door.

Just as I reached the doorframe she called me back.

“Autumn?”

“Hmm?” I said turning to face her.

“For the record. If you were to like James and he, you in return, I couldn’t be more pleased with it.”

My lips parted unintentionally.

She continued, “I think he’s one of the godliest young men that I’ve ever met. He’s genuine, giving, wise, loving, and… handsome too.” She chuckled with a wink.

I rubbed my arm, “so you wouldn’t mind at all mama?” I asked bravely.

“No. I would wish him to marry one of my girls. In fact, I would pray that all of you find a man with characteristics such as him.”

I couldn’t help myself. A broad and blushful smile spread across my face, lifting my cheeks and causing them to rose in hue like unfolding flower petals.

Mama saw my reaction and smiled brightly in return.

James already had her approval and I knew the odds with David were in my favor. It was only papa that concerned me now.

“Thanks mama,” I said and then dipped my chin, “I do like him. I love him.”

Mama’s eyes misted now and she touched a hand to the skin that surfaced her heart, “does he love you back?”

I nodded and she rose from her chair before coming toward with arms wide open.

She hugged me tightly for a long time and I rested my cheek on her shoulder—sobbing and laughing. Peace like a flood washed over my whole being. I felt so light and free.

Mama kissed my cheek. Her lips were wet with salty tears. I didn’t expect her reaction to be so admirable and jovial. Our elation was almost tangible.

I leaned my whole body into her and she hugged my torso securely.

After what seemed like eternity and a few seconds at the same time, we parted. She cupped my face, “did he propose?” she asked.

I laughed brokenly, “no mama. He wants permission to court me.”

“A man like James has only one thing in mind with courting…a permanent relationship.”

“I’d marry him tomorrow if he asked.” I confessed.

Mama threw her head back and laughed. When she was finished she wiped tears of mirth form her eyes, “not so fast turbo. We need your father to walk you down the aisle remember? I’d doubt he’d want David to substitute such an important event.”

My smile slowly faded, “papa doesn’t know James.”

“It won’t take him long to read him. Your father has a gift for discerning people.”

When I said nothing, she assured me again and then asked, “is this why James wants to speak with your brother and I?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“He’s such a gentleman.”

“He is.”

“Has he ever kissed you?”

My face flamed, “no mama! At least…not on the lips.” I sounded more alarmed than I intended.

“Hands then?” She asked undeterred.

“Yes ma’am.”

I could tell she wanted more information but decided it was best not to pry. She smiled at me fondly, “I’m so happy.” She said and in her hazel eyes, I truly saw she meant it.

“Me too.”

That afternoon and evening, I labored for several hours over Paige’s knitting tools to make Danielle a scarf. Time bled together and I only stopped to go to the bathroom or indulge in David’s delicious ginger cookies. It was a meticulous but rewarding task and I listened to environmental music while I created. My imagination took me away into previous encounters with James while I worked. Love like sweet honey coated my soul like the glaze over a donut.

That night, mama surprised me with homemade chai tea latte. She even frothed the milk and sprinkled cinnamon on top.  Paige, Ginger, and Thomas helped themselves to a cup while Kendell settled for hot apple cider.

Mama enjoyed some herbal tea and before long David descended the stairs after an extra-long hot shower.

I was surprised to find him shirtless with nothing but his wool white long johns on, and some thick cotton socks. His ash brown hair was damp and locks of it stuck to his forehead. His skin was tanning nicely and was taking on a goldish shade. I had forgotten how muscular and lean he was. He was my brother and the only time I thought about those kinds of things was when I was wrestling him…and losing. His broad shoulders were set like armor above his washboard abs. His jaw was smooth from shaving which illuminated his handsome face. Despite his shower, his emerald eyes showed signs of weariness.

“Before anyone say’s anything. I apologize for the lack of clothing,” he announced with palms open and then turned to Paige, “where are we doing this thing?”

I looked at Paige curiously who seemed unable to answer his question.

Before she could speak he sighed, “don’t make me climb those stairs again.” He pointed a thumb behind him.

“Alright,” she lightly huffed and then removed some pillows off of the couch, “lay here.”

He collapsed chest down on the couch and turned his head to face us. Paige went to the kitchen and took a face towel out of a boiling pot of water with some tongs. She let it cool on the counter for a few minutes while she poured David a glass of water over some ice.

She put a powder mixture in it and then stirred with a spoon.

“Here you go,” she said handing it to him, “some electrolytes and vitamins to help you recover.”

He lifted his head lazily, “thanks.”

~For more stories like this. Check out my latest book, Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul (Pleasure that makes you whole)!

“Ashley your personal encounters have illuminated through these stories. They have reminded me of my personal relationship with my Savior Jesus. I used to have an empty seat at the table when I ate or fluff a pillow by mine when I went to bed.
I love the way you describe each person and each heart in your stories. Every one of these beautiful stories is heartfelt. Everyone of these stories carries a strong message. A message of love, a message of faith and a message of the importance of meeting Jesus right where we are. Thank you for the opportunity of being able to share my thoughts on your new upcoming book! May God come alive in each person who picks it up to read it, may God touch hearts and bring souls closer to Him.” –Ramona Trevino, Pastor, Author, Education Specialist and host of Blossoms of My Life radio show on KKMC 880

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Loving Faithfully

~”No matter how hard we try, we love conditionally, don’t we?” -Terry MacAlmon , Heart of Worship 2010

This question voiced by Terry is not meant to bring condemnation but rather room for grace and honest vulnerability.

I was sitting in a small group. The evening sun was waning and casting the last of its orangy-gold rays into the living room. Myself and a few others sat together in a very intimate setting. Cups of steaming hot coffee was enveloped in our hands. We were talking about the importance of loving people and how closely it connected with worship.

A wispy thought perfumed my mind, and my soul felt nudged to share. I felt a little bit embarrassed to admit my thoughts at first (it was almost as if I were confessing a crime), but in obedience to the inner prompting I was sensing, I raised my hand. The group leader called on me to contribute to the discussion. With her gracious invitation I began.

“You know sometimes when my love for people runs out…Jesus will enter into the situation and ask me to behave differently. And because I love him, I will love them.”

At first that sounded kind of cold, even to my own ears. I imagined the ladies and the pastor in the room was thinking: what do you mean when your love for people runs out? Have you got a shortage in your love tank or something?

I received blank stares. Seeking to explain myself, I gave an example of one of the godliest women recognized in history. Jesus had recently given me her testimony as a refreshing encouragement regarding my daycare work.

“I’m sure all of you have heard of Mother Teresa?” It was a question that didn’t need answering. Everyone gave a positive nonverbal response. After all, who could forget Mother Teresa? The teenager who gave up her life for love of Christ? I remember reading a biography of how she hopped on a train as a young single woman knowing that she would never see her family again. She willfully chose to give her life to the poor, suffering and dying in India after seeing their despair. I didn’t understand how she could ever give up matrimony…only that the depth of her sacrifice must have been divinely inspired.

“One thing that Mother Teresa used to say when she picked up a sick child, or a dying starving man before handing them to a fellow nun was, ‘just imagine that this is Christ. And you’re the one tending his wounds. You’re the one giving him milk. You’re the one washing his chafed skin.'” (Example: Matthew 25: 35-40)

“I realize that she was able to love faithfully her whole life because it was unto Jesus. It was worship.” I paused momentarily and saw that I was now starting to make sense to those around me. I continued, “As I reflected on that, I realized that when my natural love for others runs out, then the love that Jesus has poured into me throughout my years makes me unable to resist him if he steps into a situation and prompts me to be good to others. Because it’s him asking me and not necessarily the person that I’m grieved with, then I will be good to them. Not because I want to for their sake, but because I want to for his sake. My love for him compels me to obey in loving others.”

~“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15).

“This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.” (John 15:12)

I then shared with them about how God had prompted me to pray for the salvation of the man who sexually molested me as a girl (years later that man came to Christ). I gave them another example of when I prayed for the thieves who had broken into my older cousins apartment to steal some of his valuables. They murdered him outright in the process. There have been many examples of when God’s love has prompted me to respond differently to people who have offended me (thankfully, most of them are not as extreme as the two examples I have given). Because I responded with Christ’s love regarding the two situations above, my heart escaped the trap of bitterness and I was enabled to live in true forgiveness and freedom.

More recently I can think of the many instances that I’ve had with my husband Stephen. Through the course of our marriage we have both offended one another. Mostly not on purpose but sometimes we have both done it on purpose. There’s been times where I’ve been cruel to him and he will respond kindly to me. He has confessed to me many times that his response was because Jesus spoke to him in that heated moment. I know my husband will do things like that for love of Jesus more than for love of me. Because his love for Jesus is greater than his love for me. This quality in Stephen is something I prayed that my future husband would have when I was single.

As his wife, this actually gives my heart rest and a place security because I know the love of God that was shed abroad through Christ Jesus can never fail. -1 Corinthians 13: 8

So I know that my husband’s love for me can never fail.

There have also been times where i’ve been upset at him and I’ve been willing to hold a grudge despite what scripture says. And then Jesus will come into that dark space with me and want to talk to me. Sometimes in my stubbornness I’ve wanted to tune him out and literally plug my fingers in my ears and go, “la, la, la, la.”(immature, I know…especially for a licensed minister). I know I cannot resist Jesus, deny his wisdom or denounce the Truth, so I prefer not to hear him when I’m boiling mad (can anyone relate or is it just me?). Once or twice I have even told my Lord, “no, no! Please do not interfere right now or step into this. Can I not have one hour of sulking before you come?”

One of the most heartfelt things Jesus has ever said to me was, “Ashley, if you can’t do it because you love your husband…then do it because you love me.” My heart was immediately kindled with warm love for him. Deep compassion rose from within and in knowing “defeat” I let out a long exhale and said, “okay.”

We are able to love as believers because of our love for him.

Dear one, no matter what has happened to you, no matter who has offended you…you are able to love like Jesus. He lives in you and you’ve been recreated in him.

When the world sees that we love him more than them, then we will have faithfully loved the world the way that Christ has shown us love (After all even when his love for us wasn’t motivation enough, the love that Jesus had for God compelled him to willingly submit to the cross: “yet not my will but yours be done.” Luke 22:42).

This is the type of love that washes feet, prays for its enemies, binds up the brokenhearted, casts out devils, heals the sick, forgives repeatedly and continuously provides for the needs of men who can’t pay you back.

Every act of power that Jesus did on earth reflected the nature and motive of the One who sent him. (See John 3:16 for an example). His power acts because his love feels.

This may seem demeaning to the self righteous and even sacrilegious to others. It’s a somewhat scandalous thing to admit that you’ve run dry in your love for others (at least in the religious and traditional circles I grew up in). But I have learned that my natural love has its limits. My ability to be constantly good to others can only stretch so far (especially if they are behaving in an unpleasant way or if misunderstandings leave room for the enemy to point accusatory thoughts or if I’m facing difficulties myself). Throughout my years of walking closely with Jesus I have come to be quite comfortable with my own weaknesses and inability. I know I can only love so much but I know he can love forever. And so whenever my flesh fails I can call upon him and say, “love through me.”

He is always faithful to do so.

It’s kind of funny but throughout my years with different friends, I have often heard, “you’re such a loving person,” or, “you’re so sweet.”

I’m actually not a “great lover.” I don’t consider myself to be. I have simply received the love of Jesus very well (by God’s grace). It’s really him loving through me. A lot of my loving springs from his thoughts permeating my mind. My motivation for true, selfless love is simply him.

There has been so many times where I’ve wanted to walk away from people, give up on them or just not take so much of my energy and time to encourage others. But because he lives in me, I have yielded to the ways in which he has wanted to express himself to others.

~We love because he first loved us. – 1 John 4:19.

Your heart has the capacity to receive and give amazing grace. You are more like Jesus than you realize. You are capable of self-sacrificing love. You are capable of even dying for your enemies. Once you receive grace and his love for you….you can live just like him. This kind of extravagant love is a part of the fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23)

You don’t have to go through life trying to work works for God from your flesh. No healing miracle has ever come from somebodies flesh. No one has ever earned their salvation. No one will be able to boast on the day of judgement that they did anything for God apart from his ability working in them. No matter how much we think we’ve accomplished, on the day we see Jesus, we will cast our crowns at his feet. We will discover that all the eternal work that we’ve achieved that gets rewarded for in heaven has come from his life in us. Like Paul, we will say, “I am what I am by the grace of God,” and “I labored more than you all yet it was not I but the grace of God working in me.” (1 Corinthians 15:10).

We are meant to live by grace through faith….even when it comes to loving faithfully. We live through him (not “necessarily” for him…after all he is the vine and we are the branches). Loving faithfully is easy when it comes from his seed within us.

~This picture was taken on the day that I decided to announce to the world that Stephen and I are having another baby. You may not be able to tell, but my belly is sticking out.
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Keeping Hope for the Journey

How do we accomplish big goals without becoming overwhelmed? 

By taking small daily steps. 

I know I’ve had a tendency to become paralyzed or discouraged when I dare to “dream big.” I don’t think I’m alone in this. I can recall many conversations with girlfriends and life coaching clients who have shared their hearts. I’ve seen their eyes light up with hope and their bodies become animated with life from a vibrant place as they share their secret dreams. And then a sudden dismal cloud comes and covers up their joyful expectation. Like a chilly breeze blowing out a scented candle. They look down with foggy eyes and then start naming all the obstacles in their way. “I don’t even know where to begin,” is the confession I’ve heard uttered many times in hundreds of different ways. Behind this confession is usually a deeper root. This root is often a limiting belief.

Everybody has different reasons for the limiting beliefs that they develop or take on. 

It took me about a year to lose the 60 pounds that I desired and return to the picture on the right. It seemed like a daunting task when I first began because I struggled with a limiting belief. My negative thinking made me feel like I was slugging along like a snail—always moving but never accomplishing.

Then God whispered four words to my heart and it was like I grew wings inside. It’s amazing how powerful the truth is!

God has had a special and sweet way of relaxing me with truth. 

When I’m faced with a “mountain of obstacles” He reminds me that I don’t have to tackle the whole mountain in one day. But I can walk side by side with Him and enjoy the journey of living a full life where I become grateful for every little thing. He has often uplifted me by saying, “you will win if you don’t quit.” So winning becomes an everyday celebration instead of just a one time event. Every day is winning as I keep hope and faith.

I want to encourage you that you don’t have to quit. You are already a winner. Whatever you are facing today, whatever obstacles are in your path…they are never stronger than you and Jesus together. Nothing becomes impossible for the one who believes. I pray Jesus whispers sweet things to you that sprout the seeds of godly dreams in your heart. His kind of hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

~If you find yourself in need of someone to talk to and share your heart with, I am a certified Christian Life Coach and I would love to share the sacred journey of believing, hoping and accomplishing with you. I know it can often be scary to even “dare” to speak our desires out loud. I know it’s a vulnerable and brave thing to do. But I promise you, your dreams are safe with me. & they are most definitely safe with Jesus! I include prayer therapy in my coaching sessions and root level worksheets. Together we will converse and go to His Word for answers and the specific truth that you need to propel you forward. I’m confident that through His loving guidance you will see your dreams become reality. 

There has hardly been anything more sweet in my life than answered prayer (hopes being realized). I have found that prayer often leads to partnership with God. He’s no respect or of persons. He has made all of us winners (more than conquerors) through Christ. I know sometimes we just need a helping hand. If you’re looking for a hand to help, it would be an honor for me to walk with you.

“Whenever I talk to Ashley, I feel like I can finally be myself. I am free to be transparent without fear of judgment. I can share deep secrets without fear of betrayal. In doing so, I am able to let down my guard, which makes it so much easier to hear from the Lord. God has given Ashley great wisdom and insight into His character and nature, and often when I speak to her or read her writings, I learn something new about Him that changes my perspective on a grand scale. I’m so glad that she has become a certified Life Coach because this is definitely her calling. Just being friends with her, watching her live her life, inspires me to go forth and conquer!” -Adelline Darsens, Freelance Editor, Ordained Minister, Worshipper, Former Middle School Teacher 

~For information on my life coaching services, click here.

God bless you!

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A Cup of Cold Water

After an 11 hour work day (from 6:20-5:15ish), I took my daughter to the park (these long hours are my new normal). I had taken her earlier with the other daycare girls…but a disappointment in her day compelled my mother’s heart to cheer her up. As I began to walk to the park with her, holding onto her small warm hand and a big beach ball…I felt Jesus. ❤️

It wasn’t like an overflowing rush of divine bliss…rather I felt His smile, His gratitude. It was almost like He wanted to thank me for caring for Him all day. I was reminded that Jesus said, “whatsoever you do unto these little ones (least) you do unto Me.” When I take care of children, it’s like I’m pouring oil on Jesus’s skin, washing His feet and offering Him a cup of cold water. I realize He’s making me like Him through service. “For the Son of Man didn’t come to be served but to serve.” He tells me to, “lay down your life to find it.” 💐 I don’t always remember this, and I don’t do it perfectly. Sometimes I get petulant (just ask my husband or my parents 😉). But, Jesus always reminds me. And I can’t shake the beautiful feeling that I’m fulfilling a part of His purpose for me xoxo

My life has completely changed within these last 2 years because I’ve changed. Just today I relentlessly served my daycare kids for 11 hours (that encompasses so much like: praying for them, speaking life over them, protecting them, teaching them, training them, equipping them, nourishing them, playing with them, etc). I got up early to have personal time with God, did a 20 minute ab workout, bathed my daughter, fixed her hair, fed her dinner, washed the dishes, encouraged a couple of women, disinfected my daycare toys, worked on my blog, etc. I could never have imagined the change in my attitude toward life. It all started with my weight and me pushing almost 220 pounds. I was lamenting on the couch to God in prayer, with my infant daughter beside me. God responded with these 4 words, “you have self control.” Only a fool despises wisdom and at that time, I wanted to despise His words.

I absolutely love the fruit of self-control now! It’s my second favorite fruit of the Holy Spirit (love is the first). Although God’s answer wasn’t what my flesh (lazy/selfish side) wanted to hear, His answer empowered me from within. I used to have such a victim mentality and such a small way of looking at myself and life. But I realize now that self-control is the ability/grace to harness yourself. It’s the ability to be a victor, an overcomes, a master of…well, yourself. This “mastery” for me came with a sense of completeness and then an understanding of personal responsibility. Later a holy love to serve others. Self-control transformed me from being self-centered to Jesus centered. From this place, I’ve become others-centered. Because being Jesus-centered will always, always, ALWAYS encompass sacrificial love toward others 🌈. Jesus was never out of control. He never sinned in His actions by “losing Himself” or blaming others. He was a master of Himself and completely yielded to the Father. Paul said that the love of God both “compelled” him and “restrained” him.

I realize that without the painful stretching that took place in these last two years of my marriage, I would not be able to live in the freedom that I’m experiencing. I wouldn’t have been able to begin to reign in life, like I’m experiencing now. Without harnessing self-control, I would have never been able to be the blessing that I am today in the lives of the families that I’m serving. I’m coming to grips with the fact that real freedom is not laying on a couch with no bills to pay, no demands in life and no obligations to others. No, real freedom is a life that yields to God from intimacy with Jesus. Real freedom is the ability to own up to yourself. It’s the ability to stop pointing fingers for where you are in life. Real freedom is realizing nothing is impossible for those who believe. I’m starting to understand it…💗💗💗

I encourage you to live in the fullness of the freedom Christ lived, died and rose again for you to have. Your destiny is vital to everyone around you. Your purpose is divine and the impact you make with your life is eternal. As Dr.Myles Monroe said, “find your gift and serve the world with it.” And believe me, if you belong to Jesus (which you do) then you have a powerful grace gift in you! You have self-control. You might not believe it…but God never lies. He gave you His Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit has planted in you every good fruit and gift and ability for a good life. YOU are complete in Christ! YOU are completely and eternally loved and valued by God! ❤️❤️❤️

If you have a God-dream but you’re struggling with mental blockages that seem to deter you, I am a certified Christian Life Coach and would love to partner with you💗! I promise you, nothing is impossible with God! He’s equipped you with everything you need. And the world is not the same without you! You light up the world in a special way. 💡

~For information on my life coaching services, click here.

~For a beautiful song about seeing Jesus in the eyes of each child, click here.

My daughter Eden and I.

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I Am is Everything

~This devotional was taken from my book, Visions of Celestial Love.

For the Lord is our Judge, the Lord is our Lawgiver, the Lord is our King; it is he who will save us. —Isaiah 33:22 NIV

Trusting God to be everything in our lives is truly an opening to the kind of peace we can only try to fathom. Many times in life we look to God for certain things, but not all things.

We have to understand that: He is our doctor, He is our pastor, He is our husband, He is our best friend, He is our keeper of finances, He is I Am. Just make Him I Am, and there shall be nothing that you lack…nothing of great importance anyway. To me, God is the One to whom I go in order to really vent. He’s become a safe place for me and like the shepherd-king David, I have found that I can release the passions in my soul before Him. He’s the kind of friend that sees my torment inside, and grabs a punching bag, holds it in front of Him and says, “Lay a few on Me.”

Sometimes I feel guilty and His Holy Spirit will coax me on, “Come on. Come at Me! Who else will you turn to? I don’t want you to go anywhere else but here.” So, I’ll start punching away my anger, my resentment, my fits of rage, my bitterness, my unforgiveness, my envy. It’s important to note that I’m not screaming at God during this gym prayer time. My anger is not toward Him (although I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been angry with Him).

My energy is spent in moaning, sometimes sobbing, or just really long conversations about the turmoil I feel inside and how I can’t seem to discern where it’s coming from.

Sometimes my prayers are as simple as, “God help me. God help me. I don’t even know how to pray right now, just help me.”

They might take a turn like this every now and again, “Oh God I’m so angry. I’m so depressed. I need You to give me the wisdom and strength to walk in the grace You’ve provided, in order that I may forgive. I know You’re not upset with me, but give me more of Your heart that I may be able to love and forgive like You.”

And amazingly, just like a punching bag absorbs the blows of fists—all of the junk in my system is released and absorbed in His divine punching bag. After it is done I have gained spiritual muscles, been cleansed inside, and He has thrown away the old bag in the sea of forgetfulness. He dusts His hands free and then gives me a spiritual shower, for by this time I am soaking in the sweat of my soul.

We are never too much for a God who is everything. We must trust Him to be just this—all. Whatever your need ask Him to come in and take total control. It will be much easier for you if you just ask Him to be everything now rather than later. Invite Him to come into all the areas in your life and pray for a heart that always has an open invitation to the Holy Spirit.

“A delightful book that reflects the praises from a heart that desires to abide closely with our Heavenly Father. Written in a style that summons us to experience a journey of deeper intimacy with a loving God. Ashley covers the foundation of the Christian faith that brings encouragement and assurance of God’s promises when faced with life’s challenges. Embracing our uniqueness and the safety of transparency before our Maker who cares about the most intricate details of our life. Yes, an invitation indeed from the One and only who can fill what are heart’s ache for.” — Jocelyn Reyna, Entrepreneur

Top photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

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What You Mean to Me

~Taken from my book, Visions of Celestial love <3

My toes sink in the wet crystal-like sand of this beach whose sculpted jade waters rushes over my ankles and laps at the hems of my dress.

I’m thinking about You,

And how much You mean to me.

God, You are to me my true home.

Like a cottage surrounded with shrubs and berry plants with floral vines dangling over the windows like curtains.

You are the smell of fresh-baked buttered bread out of the oven on a cold frosty night.

You are sweeter than sugary hot coco to my lips.

You are more elegant than the finest wine and champagne poured into expensive glasses.

You are tender arms around me when I’m sad and in need of nourishment.

You are my mother’s breasts when I was an infant, my El Shaddai.

You are my father’s protective body in the midst of a torment.

How can I describe all that You are?

I invite You to come into every area of my life as my only source.

I welcome You to my dreams and I pray all of them come from You.

You are my pine and coconut love.

The refreshing breeze I need after a hot day of working in the sun.

The cool glass of water I pine for when I’m sweaty from exhaustion.

You are light in my eyes when I’m surrounded by darkness.

You are radiance in the midst of dullness.

You are beauty when only ashes can be seen.

You are more to me than I will ever know on this side of eternity;

on this side of my Father’s vineyard.

I desire to soak in the divine light of Your favor.

I desire to be the object of Your affections.

I desire to be precious to You.

And You call me beautiful.

See my fair Bridegroom, how I want to be lost in Your arms that wrap around me.

See how I want to lean against Your chest as it rises and falls in breath.

See how I want to be taken up to new levels of Heaven.

How I wish the heavenly veil was all but torn from my life that I may experience You on this side of eternity like few have.

Oh let Your children go deeper.

Let our experiences be sweeter.

Let our love be purer.

You are my pool of abundance.

My morning longing,

my night cry.

And I was made to delight and savor You.

Oh let me taste samples of Your wonders from the feast You are preparing for Your bride.

Let me eat your Word like I would an apple.

Let me be satiated in the rivers of Your romancing.

Take me to new heights in You.

Take me up in Your Spirit.

You are to me a gleaming emerald ocean in the sun above a clear sky.

A vastness of glory I cannot comprehend.

You satisfy my eyes’ thirst like a dewy field of honey wheat surrounded by white lilies.

Like gold encircled by pearls.

You are most beautiful.

You are the filling of my soul.

You fulfill my hunger and thirst.

You are my daily bread and my life-giving water.

I sit in the aromatic room of my kitchen, with the sunlight dancing on the lemon-yellow walls shining like amber besides a flame.

The moist savory fragrance of mixed spices tickles my nose.

I’m thinking about You,

and how much You mean to me.

“Ashley presents us with a true cornucopia of modern psalms, personal testimonies, and short stories. She has set out to reveal and unravel some of the most complex heart issues mankind faces in our quest of understanding what true intimacy with God really looks like. Prepare to have your soul massaged and worked on as you read Visions of Celestial Love.” — Jeremy Minard, Founder of Servant King Apparel, Active U.S Navy

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Created for Heaven’s Blisses

The room changed and suddenly I was clothed in a scintillating white robe. Jesus stood beside me and we were on a beach. Gentle waves lapped the shore. The sand was a beautiful color and were almost as smooth as sheets on a bed. Mountains lush with vegetation stood like emerald diamonds along the shoreline. Tropical flowers and fruit glittered along the mountains like polychromatic gems. It was almost unbelievable beautiful. Everything here was made from peace, love, joy and righteousness. The Father’s Spirit was tangible in everything. The waves were like jade glass with aquamarine splashed inside. Every time a wave rose to meet the sun before lapping down a sweet laughter like wind flutes ticked the air.

“What are you feeling beloved?”

I saw everything yet it was like an invisible wall was around me preventing me from truly indulging in all the magnificence of the wonderful beach I was in.

When I didn’t respond Jesus responded for me.

“I created you to be surrounded by wonderful beauty. Your soul was created for heaven’s blisses.”

“I don’t feel like I belong.” I murmured.

I reached out and took Jesus’s hand. I felt like I would almost faint.

“No beauty is too great for you.” Jesus reassured me and held my hand, “nothing in all the world is lovelier than you. No sunset, no ocean, no natural wonder. The world is a gift to man… Ashley, we created you in our image.”

When He said “we” I knew He meant Abba and Holy Spirit as well.

“Well, yes but…”

“Do you think this place is too beautiful for me?”

“No,” was my immediate response. I knew nothing was too good for Jesus.

“I live in you.”

A small and unexpected gasp escaped my lips. A sense of worth came into my soul from my spirit.

Jesus knew and quoted Romans, “The Spirit bears testimony with your spirit that you are a daughter of God.”

I paused and gazed at my surroundings again, slowly spinning. Such beauty was so lavish I couldn’t imagine gulping it in…such wonder would cause my heart to burst from fatness (the profuseness of spiritual joy). Perhaps I could sip it in…and slowly allow my tongue to savor the taste.

“You are not a beggar my daughter, my Bride, my treasure…”

The sweet air intoxicated my imagination like shimmering translucent rainbows. The heavy scent of aged wine rose on the wings of the wind.

I felt the Presence of peace nearby me and reached my hand out, expanding my fingers as if to lace them around the Holy Spirit.

“Sweet friend,” I whispered, deep affection welling from the roots of my soul, like soaked soil, “I love you.”

I wished I could lean my head on His shoulder.

My sweet Friend.

…to be continued.

~For stories like these, check out my book Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul. May your heart be ushered into the deepest romance with Jesus.

“The stories in this book will invite you into a marriage relationship with Jesus showing you what it looks like to be loved without condemnation. Ashley brings you into personal conversations with the one who’s very name is Love. Sometimes life just gets so busy and I grow distant from the Lord that I don’t hear His gentle voice wooing me, calling me to His side. As I read this book, Jesus was reminding me of His great love for me, reminding me that He actually longed to spend time with me. If you are longing to know what it means to be loved and romanced by your creator, read this book and allow Jesus to romance you like only He can!” – Rachel Sklenicka, Licensed Minister, Graduate of CBC, Former Missionary to Russia

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Jesus in the Romance

~The sequel to Nobel and Trisha’s love story.

…Sarah turned on a sapphire blue speaker and attached her cell phone Bluetooth to it. Beautiful island worship music began playing and I felt as if I were on a black sanded beach next to lapping crystal waters. A chorus of singers synchronized in the background, complementing the main singer harmoniously.

After flipping on the coffee machine, I leaned my back against the island as Sarah started dicing up potatoes and mincing vegetables. She worked like a sous chef.

I felt admiration for her in my heart.

She sliced through some honeyed ham and turned her oven on preheat before taking some frozen buttermilk biscuits out.

“I feel bad just standing here while you work,” I confessed after several minutes of waiting for her to ask me to do something.

“Then you haven’t quite understood grace yet,” she said with a refreshing tone.

Her words caught me off guard and I didn’t respond for several seconds.

“I’m not sure where you’re coming from,” I admitted.

She smiled up at me, “it’s a pleasure to serve you Nobel. Being served should never cause you emotional discomfort. You have no guilty obligation to help me.”

I froze and felt a depth in her words that struck the bars of an imprisoned place in my heart.

Suddenly what was unconscious became conscious.

Sarah said no more and left me to my thinking while she worked.

I envisioned Jesus kneeling at my feet shirtless with a large clay bowl of hot water in his hands. Those large bronze hands had the rough callouses of a carpenter, yet they carried the tenderness of a healer. His wavy black onyx hair was dusted from the dirt of sandal and foot travel.

Dip your foot in friend.

I gulped loudly and felt a sting of religion beckon me to pull away.

No, let me wash your feet Jesus! I almost spoke the words in my head out loud.

I saw Him look up at me with those burning ember brown eyes that knew every inch and corner of my soul like the back of His hand. His was the dearest face in all the world to me.

He seemed pained at my response.

My love is crippled by your thinking He said, tears gathering behind His eyes. You won’t impress Sarah or Kris through your works… so don’t try.

I sucked in air and suddenly the vision was gone.

My palms were sweaty now and I tried to rub them on my pants without being noticed.

Sarah didn’t seem to care and cracked six eggs into a measuring cup before whisking them and adding in spices.

The sunlight behind her spilled into the kitchen and living room like blonde paint and caused her silhouette to glow in ethereal gold.

Sarah threw two spoonsful of minced garlic in a frying pan with olive oil.

My stomach began to feel pangs of hunger when she threw in some chopped onion and cut bell peppers. She finally added the potatoes and began stirring things around with a large wooden cooking spoon.

“You haven’t touched your coffee,” she said over a shoulder with a soft smile. It took me a second to register her words and respond correctly, “no I haven’t,” I said and caught a whiff of the strong, full bodied aroma, “but it sure smells wonderful.”

“We have vanilla, hazelnut or Irish creamer. I have to warn you the Irish one has a little liquor in it.”

I grinned more widely than I meant, “I don’t mind a little alcohol ma’am.”

She laughed at my expression and touched a hand to her heart, “oh good! I was hoping our customs wouldn’t offend you. We do live on a winery.”

I laughed with her, “I’ll take the Irish.”

With that statement, I headed for the fridge and sifted until I found the choice creamer.

I went for the upper cabinet and grabbed a ruby red mug. His Blood was printed in white cursive on the cup. I poured some coffee in.

Afterward I added the creamer.

Sarah opened the frozen biscuits and lined them in a pan before placing them in the preheated oven.

I sipped at my coffee and almost closed my eyes in gratification at the rich taste.

Several minutes passed and the biscuits were baking, the eggs were cooking on the stove and the potatoes were browning.

I wondered what was holding Trisha up and just as I was about to pick up polite conversation with Sarah, Trisha opened up the front door.

She was smiling brightly and exclaimed, “that was one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen!”

She hastened toward me and put the pitcher on the island. I saw the pure bliss on her face.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it darling,” I said, taking joy at her pleasure.

She then thanked Sarah and told her, “I was romanced by the Lord the whole time I was out there!” She giggled like a school girl and Sarah joined in her glee.

“Don’t you just love it when He does that?”

The two of them started chatting fluidly and before long Trisha asked for an apron and joined Sarah in cooking.

They worked together as if they had been best friends since childhood. I stood back amazed and still felt a little awkward for standing back idly while they cooked.

When I was done with my coffee I headed back to living room and sat on the couch.

Guilty thoughts tried to press their way into my mind.

What will Kris think when he walks in and sees you sitting on the couch while his wife and your girlfriend slave away in the kitchen? Some minister he’ll think you are!

I shook my head and rejected the accusations that were coming my way. I recognized its dark origin and refused to heed.

I glanced at the women in the kitchen, laughing together and knew they were having a good time.

I tapped my pointer finger on my knee nervously. Lord what do I do now?

Nothing, came the gracious answer.

“Nothing…” I repeated quietly, “sounds like a plan,” I said with an amused chortle.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, “okay Lord.”

Before long I heard the oven ding and then a strong male voice erupt in laughter, “now there’s the man of the hour!” Kris said chuckling deeply.

My eyes popped open and I began to stand.

Kris put a firm hand on my shoulder, “no please, sit!”

He swiveled around and joined me on the couch. I saw the tickling jest in his blue eyes.

He was wearing a white polo shirt, dark shorts, and Bryce lace up shoes. His summer blonde hair appeared paler in the sunlight.

“Good morning Kris,” I said, unsure of what tone to take.

“Morning, how’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good,” I answered and then shrugged honestly, “not as long as I’d like.”

“Well weren’t you drifting on the couch a second ago?” he quipped playfully.

I couldn’t help but chuckle, “no sir, anything but…”

Sarah came toward us with a cup of strong black coffee in her hand. She set in on a saucer in front of Kris and gave him a peck on the cheek, “thanks dear,” he responded and looked up at her fondly.

She returned to the kitchen and Kris took a slow sip.

“Nothing like straight black,” he praised and then patted my shoulder.

“You’re from Europe?” I asked.

“Why do you ask?”

I pursed my bottom lip slightly in thoughtful reflection, “well in my former career, I ran across people from different countries often enough. A lot of my male European counterparts liked their coffee pitch black.”

Kris lifted his brows, “what career was this?”

I dipped my chin, “I’d prefer not to say…sometimes I try to forget.”

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and saw his unassuming visage. A feeling of peace from the Holy Spirit rose to my heart and I knew everything would be okay.

“I was a male model for a prestigious…company.”

Kris arched an eyebrow, “yes Thomas told us you had a scarlet past,” he said and then took a leisure sip of his coffee. I slightly cringed when I remembered the glamorous parties that were only started to sleep with fast women. Kris set down his cup and smiled in triumph, “the good news about scarlet pasts is that God uses them for his glory. There’s no greater transition than from blood red to milk white.”

I nodded, “I know that for sure. Everything in my life is different. I had no idea this level of joy and peace…and purpose was possible.”

I leaned back and couldn’t help but glance at Trisha, “I had no idea how tremendous the goodness of God was. He amazes me with how God He is…first to have Him and then to be given such good and perfect gifts from His hand.”

Kris followed my eyes, “ahhh, yes. I know what you mean. I cannot think of a greater treasure, a more perfect gift than my wife…”

We both remained silent for a moment in reverential awe.

My heartbeat quickened, “she’s truly perfect. A masterpiece”

Kris perked up, “He knows whose perfect for us…”

I nodded.

“The greater news is…He makes us perfect for Him.”

My eyes enlarged as I felt a swell of the love of God rise in my heart.

“Let the two become one,” I said quietly.

“It’s a mystery. Somehow we are the bride of Christ.” Kris said slowly shaking his head, “I still don’t understand it.”

“Neither do I,” I responded truthfully and then stroked my chin, “but I’m beginning to experience it.”

Kris studied my face intensely for a brief moment.

“Hmmm, and what does that look like?” He probed.

I remained silent for a few seconds, combing for the right word. When it came, I turned to Kris, “like union,” I said in a hoarse whisper.

My eyes went wet before I could control the tears. Love for God wrecked my heart.

Kris examined me quietly and I felt an opening between us. We connected without speaking.

Finally, I broke the silence, “I’ve been experiencing Him all morning. It’s different now. I don’t have to search scriptures for hours or go into a prayer closet and try to focus and not lose interest. I’ve surrendered everything to Him. He talks to me first. We converse more easily than I am with you. I feel Him in me, I sense what pleases and displeases Him and I try to comply with His inaudible wishes…”

I hadn’t realized that my voice was gruff with emotion until Kris’s changed visage caught my attention.

“You sound like a man in love.”

I nodded and wiped my eyes, slightly mortified by the unmanly tears and yet proud of them.

Kris sipped at his coffee and I could see the smile he tried to hide behind the cup’s rim.

“I suppose I am. Madly in love with Jesus. It’s an odd sort of thing in a way.”

~To follow the beginnings of Trisha and Nobel’s pure romance, you can purchase a copy of Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul. May you find the greater eternal romantic story of Jesus pursuing you weaved through its pages <3

“Ashley has a very talented gift of weaving words together that display tenderness, compassion and purity. Each story reveals the heart of Jesus towards His children. As you read each one you can see past the characters and feel the depth of Jesus’ heart, as well as the longing for a deeper relationship with Jesus inside yours.” -Everesta Hannon, prayer minister.
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Apple Favor

The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more- Romans 5:20 NIV

Have you ever behaved terribly and been blessed right after? Or lost your temper at a loved one and then been shown favor by God?

 It seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

“Good behavior gets good results; bad behavior gets bad result”. Culturally we’ve been saturated with this kind of thinking. We were raised by good, responsible parents who rightly enforced consequences for our rebellious behavior (whether it was time-out, spanking, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, etc). As we grew up, state law became our school-master, reinforcing to some degree, our upbringing.. Years in church soaked our minds with religious law that also echoed our parent’s rules; subconsciously connecting this principle to our relationship with God. Everyone and everything around us seems to respond to our bad behavior with justice, reinforcing the foundation of eye for eye and tooth for tooth….

Only this hasn’t been my experience with God. And I imagine it hasn’t been yours either. James 2:13 states that mercy triumphs over judgement.

A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up. -Proverbs 15:1 CEV

My nerves were shot like heated electrified wires ready to explode. I was overcharged, tired, upset, angry and in a stew of self-pity rooted in victimhood. (The funny thing about a victim mentality is that it always places blame and thus becomes an accuser and predator. I have often found that people with a victim mentality take on the characteristics of an abuser)

“Why can’t you go the store for me?” I fussed at my husband with a rigid hand on my hip, “I’ve worked 10 hours today and you none. I’m exhausted!”

My husband looked at me with unmoving blue eyes and replied calmly to my toddler-like tantrum, “no.,” he said reaffirming his original answer.

My anger felt more like fury now.

How could he be so unsympathetic? If I wasn’t so mad, I would be at the brink of tears!

Eden pawed at my knees, seeking my attention. She wasn’t used to sharing me all day with the daycare kids and so after they left, she often wanted undivided mommy-time when I just wanted quiet, therapeutic me-time.

Picking her up, I rolled my eyes and slipped my purse over my shoulders, “fine.” I spat making sure to pass my husband the sternness look I could conjure. I slammed the front door behind me with as much zeal as the Beast to Belle when she refused to have dinner with him during her first night at his castle (“Fine! Then go ahead and starveeeeeeee!” After he slams the door on Belle he promptly tells his servants, “if she doesn’t eat with ME, then she doesn’t eat at ALL!!!”)

(Mind you, I had just come from a short but intense week of ministry school with a pretty famous healing evangelist. We talked mostly about not letting your flesh rule you in that school. And here I was, doing just that… acting in the flesh with flying colors.)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. -1 Peter 4:8

As I sped drove to Walmart, I grumbled in the truck. “God, I’m so mad. I’m so upset. How could he treat me like this? Doesn’t he see how much I need help? Doesn’t he know how much these 50 hour weeks are taking it out of me?!”

I was sorely tempted to over-exaggerate this one instance of my husband’s refusal to do a grocery run for me and think things like: “he never does runs for me” or “he never understand where I’m coming from.”

I parked the car and took Eden out. Fingering through my i-phone, I found the detailed grocery list that I had made. I couldn’t wait to be in and out of Walmart as quickly as possible.

I unbuckled Eden and held her to me before brisk walking into the store. Once we were in, I put Eden in the cart. I began making my rounds and Eden soon became fussy. She wanted down. I knew she liked walking around the store and while I was hardly in the mood, I had compassion on her and set her down. She walked around merrily.

After awhile, things were looking more costly than I expected and my conscious began to prick me with stress. I began to pick and choose what I really needed and I skipped over the brand name versions of the items that I wanted to buy the less expensive Great Value versions. Eden began to misbehave by running off or whinnying when I would tell her to stay by me. I had to snatch several items from her hands and eventually I just put her back in the cart.

Lord, I can’t wait to get out here! I thought.

The checkout line was particularly long (or so it seemed. Since my attitude was bad I could have grossly overestimated it). Eden attempted to climb out of her seat and I was left trying to distract her with the things in the cart. I kissed her forehead and played with her hair.

Finally, it was my turn and while the cashier was plugging everything in, I was busy trying to appease Eden who grew increasingly fussy. The cashier gave me a once over and shortly afterward, quoted me the bill.

“Okay,” I said and pulled out my business card. It was a new card, and mostly my husband used it on grocery runs. (Remember, only an hour or so ago my flesh wanted to convince me that he never did grocery runs for me).

I fingered in the pin only for it to be rejected.

“Wrong pin.” She stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh,” I voiced, heat rushing to my face, “can I try again?”

“Sure.”

I tried again, only to make another error. I tried another time. Failure. My heart rate spiked and I peeked at my neighbors in line. Even though I knew this was my card, I felt guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. I imagined they all were thinking that I stole somebody else’s card and was using it. After all, who doesn’t know their own pin for crying out loud? Well, that person would be me.

To add insult to injury Eden began complaining loudly, “no! no! no!” She wanted out of the cart.

I attempted to appease her and simultaneously, I frantically searched my mind, desperately trying to remember my pin.

Giving up, I moved to pull out my personal card. I wasn’t sure how much money I had on it but I hoped it would be enough.

“I’ll just use this card.” I told the cashier, trying to hide how I was feeling.

She typed in a code for me to retry and I stuck in my card. It worked. Thank goodness.

“Thanks.” I said and put the bags in my cart before hurrying off to the exit.

As customary, the security employee stood by the door to check receipts. She was a short, light complexed young lady with dark hair. After scanning my receipt, she peeked into my cart and chose to scan the bag of golden delicious apples that I had bought for the daycare kids. Her machine showed a red circle with a white x on it. She said something wasn’t right and did it two more times. By this time, the line behind me was getting long. Thoughts of people thinking I was a thief again plagued me, leaving my face warm with shame.

Why wasn’t anything going right tonight? Perhaps it was my just dessert, for the way I spoke to my husband? Even though I don’t believe in karma, religious thoughts like this surfaced in my mind like wagging condescending fingers. It was as if I was placed under the curse of the law again…”all these evil things will befall you if you disobey the Lord your God…” -Deuteronomy 28:15

The security lady tried to explain to me what was wrong. She repeated herself at least twice but all I could hear were my own condemning thoughts and the sound of my heart in my ears. She pointed to the apples on my receipt and said something that made me wonder if I had been charged for one apple instead of a bag with ten apples. She told me to go to customer service and pointed me in the right direction. Humiliated, I turned my cart around and purposefully avoided the gazes of the people in line.

For surely You, O LORD, bless the righteous; You surround them with the shield of your favor. –Psalm 5:12 BSB

An older lady with short curly hair and a guttural voice was at the customer service counter. I went up to her and told her the little information I could remember form the security lady.

“Okay, let me see,” she said squinting her eyes to see clearly despite her reading specks.

“Huh?” she huffed and furrowed her brow. “Who checked you out?”

“I don’t know her name,” I said, “but I was on isle 3. What’s wrong?”

“You were severely overcharged. You see?” She pointed to the same area the security lady had.

My eyes widened.

“She charged you for ten bags of apples instead of just one bag! I don’t understand how she could have made that error when it’s pretty simple.”

After several minutes of conversation, she opened her cash register and handed me the money I was due.

“Which isle were you on again?”

I was beginnign to feel sorry for the young lady who had checked me out. I saw her walk past us from a backroom. She glanced my way and bowed her head before continuing on.

Did she overcharge me on purpose? I wondered at her reaction.

“I was on isle 3,” I said reluctantly.

I retreved my cash and thanked the customer service lady before taking my exit.

After loading up the truck and securing Eden in, I turned on the heater. It was night time now and cold outside. I had been in Walmart for much longer than I originally intended.

As I drove home, I couldn’t help but think about how God had protected me. Of all the things I had in my cart that the security lady could have scanned, she chose to scan the apple bag. I knew God had influenced that. Gratitude filled me because despite my bad attitude and the ill way I had treated my husband whom I was supposed to honor, God still washed me with grace. He still had His arms of favor around me. He moved things around me to show me that He was there. I hope you know that this is how He treats you as well. No matter how your day went, He wants to respond to you with mercy. I felt His warm fatherly smile and discerned His voice in my heart.

“No one shall steal from my righteous daughter. I surround you always with favor and love.”

Righteous? I hardly felt righteous. But His words came like a whiff of Heaven’s aroma, reminding me that I was in Jesus (Ephesians 5:30). And Jesus was my home.

His love and soft answer melted my stresses away. When my anxiety dissipated, deep love began to spread in my chest like sugary roots. I felt the healing peace that only comes when we know that we are right with God through Jesus (Romans 5:1). The Holy Spirit began to minister reconciliation in my soul (2 Corinthians 5:18) and assure me that He was my strength. He showed me that I was overly stressed and angry because I wasn’t receiving grace. My body began to feel like soil, soaked through with misty rain. The offense and wrath that I had against my husband washed clear out of my heart like a fan blowing a feather out of a room. Suddenly, I could hardly wait to get home to my husband.

When I arrived at the house, I found him typing on his laptop in my preschool room. I unloaded the truck and put Eden down. We naturally gravitated toward each other and I told him what had happened before apologizing. I wanted peace with him. He graciously forgave me and it felt so good to be in a place of harmony with him again.

I have discovered throughout my walk with Jesus that I never misbehave out of desire. Nothing in my new nature desires to be bad or hurt the ones that I love. Like Paul in Romans 7, I sometimes wrestle with doing the good that I desire to do and not doing the evil that I loathe. Even though I may do bad things, my recreated nature is good.

As born-again Christians we have God’s love nature inside of us. When we act outside of the law of love (which sums up all of the law and prophets), we tend to feel it. I know I feel it. In those moments, I don’t need somebody to tell me what a failure I am and I imagine you don’t either. I need someone to remind me who I am in Christ. I need someone to hug me and speak life over me. God almost always responds this way toward me. When I misbehave, His discipline goes to the very core of the issue. His instruction looks a lot like an overhaul of grace. I have found grace to be the greatest destroyer of sin because grace changes my identity and makes me depend on Jesus. Grace provides all my needs and thus destroys the appeal to sin.

For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace. -Romans 6:14

Often when I mess up God will tell me, “this isn’t who you are. Have you forgotten who you are? Let me remind you by being good to you.” His goodness is intended to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

Years ago when I watched the Disney animation movie Moana (which I didn’t really care for, for personal reasons. Sorry Moana fans), I was reminded of who I am in Christ through a scene. It was the scene when Moana realized that Te Ka (a demon manifested in a fire and lava form) was really Te Fiti (a joyous and loving goddess with the power to create life). Moana’s discovery was equally as surprising to me. I thought, “that evil thing can’t be a life-giver!” Suddenly Moana’s whole attitude changed toward the raging fire ball of hate Te Ka. She bravely started walking toward her with the intent of returning her stolen heart and healing her. As the velvety turquoise waters of the ocean split, Te Ka saw her opportunity to kill Moana who sang tranquilly. She crawled toward her like a possessed creature, fuming black smoke as she screamed madly. Moana sang love and identity over her. These words struck my heart as I realized this is how the Holy Spirit treats me when I act in the ugliness of the flesh:

“I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know…who you are.”

Once Te Ka’s heart was returned, green golden light from within her began to crack the molten lava that was suffocating her lush skin. A beautiful smile spread across Te Fiti’s face as radiant flowers began to bloom over her body. After she was healed she went forth and did what was natural to her….she healed the land around her. She truly became a life-giver once she realized who she was.

To watch the scene, click here.

You see, before her heart was stolen Te Fiti was resting peacefully. The Life within her was creating beautiful life all around her. God used this scene (from an originally pagan story no less) to speak redemption to me. I understood that whenever I lose my rest and my inner peace, it’s because I’ve lost touch with the Life of Christ in me. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost touch with my heart, my home…my Jesus. When that happens stress begins to manifest, fears spring forth, depression, anxiety and pressure begin to weigh me down like the clayed on lava that crusted Te Fiti’s green skin. In those moments of walking in the flesh (which produces death…or in Te Ka’s case, fire and brimstone), I need someone to look past my ugly behavior and see me the way God sees me…in the spirit. This Person for me has been the Holy Spirit.

I pray that you realize how God sees you despite your actions. You are not the mistakes of your past. You are not the stresses of your present. You are not an alcoholic. You are not bound by sin. You are not stained so bad that the blood of Jesus can’t make you whiter than snow. You are not used up waste (the results of what’s been done to you). You are not your thoughts or the thoughts of others toward you. You are not a mistake. You are not too much.

Dear one, YOU are God’s beloved child! He didn’t just cross the horizon of the earth to find you. He crossed Heaven, invaded earth and bankrupt Hell for you. He gave you all of His heart so that you can have abundant life inside. He’s already paid for your healing. He’s already paid the price for your sins. He’s already paid for your salvation, your redemption, your deliverance, your peace of mind (it’s all about what Jesus has done, not what you have done or what’s been done to you). God loves you. He’s never stopped loving you. He will never stop loving you: In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. -1 John 4:9-10

You have favor with God through Jesus Christ. His favor doesn’t just stop at saving us, His favor spreads across our lives. His favor is a daily reality. He cares about everything…even the simple little things like an overcharge for apples. I pray that you grow in awareness of all the ways He daily loves you and takes care of you.

We can never run out of reasons to thank Him for this undeserved favor <3

A recent picture of my husband Stephen and I. I treated us to a hearty breakfast while we had our Family United meeting. An idea Stephen and God came up with to help us create a vision for our ministry, marriage, family, and businesses and implement steps toward our goals.

~For information on my life coaching services, click here.

P.S: I used the returning of the heart scene in the fictional tale of Moana as an analogy of the scriptural reality of Christ in us (Colossians 1:27). I don’t claim any rights whatsoever to Moana. All credit goes to Disney and Ron Clements, John Musker, Don Hall, Chris Williams and everyone else involved. Also, I don’t believe in goddess because they are not scriptural, except given in example in heathen cultures (see Acts 19). I do believe in demons however since the Gospels are full of recordings where Jesus and the disciples cast them out of people. I hope you were greatly uplifted and encouraged through this devotional. Never forget that you are beloved of God.

Top photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels

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Dream-Maker

Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it. -Proverbs 22:6

~What if God appeared to you and asked you, “what is it that you want? Whatever it is I will give it to you.”

It seems too good to be true doesn’t it?

Well it’s not because nothing is too good when it comes to God as Father.

These are the very words God spoke to me. These are the words He dearly longs for all of His children to hear and believe.

Years ago, I was in worship at Bible college. I was up in the front (my usual, comfy spot) with my arms outstretched worshipping God. After services were over the Dean of Women (whom I’ll call Mattie for privacy purposes) came up to me. She had a bright smile that radiated in her light blue eyes. She gave the best “grandma-like hugs” and she embraced me. She giggled warmly as she spoke, “I heard the Father say, ‘ask what you will and He will do it for you.'”

My face was not as enthusiastic as her’s, but I did smile, “thank you.”

I tried to act friendly and excited but the truth was, I wasn’t.

Mattie was one of the kindest and most loving women that I had ever met. Because she was sooo sweet, I didn’t know if she was just trying to encourage me in the “flesh” rather than in the Spirit.

I walked to work afterwards…which was at the college’s ministry phone center. I walked past a Floor Leader desk and suddenly my husband turned around in his swivel chair. He looked at me, “The Lord say’s ‘ask what you will and He will give it to you.'”

I half-smiled and went to my desk, prepping myself to pray for the myriad of precious callers who would be buzzing the phone lines soon.

As I sat there in my chair, God’s request of me began to nudge on my heart.

Ask.

Questioning God’s goodness isn’t foreign to most believers that I’ve met. And I’ve met quite a few..both in person and over the phones or net. It’s an unbiblical, religious mindset that questions the goodness of God because everything about God is good. He is the most cheerful Giver you will ever meet. His very nature is Love and love always gives the best (with no selfish strings attached).

For years I grew up in church and heard the above scripture about training up a child in the way they should go. I was always taught that it meant training them up to fear and follow the Lord. As a result I threw away my goals and dreams in pursuit of serving Jesus through work that I was not passionate about. I was taught that, “whatever you really don’t want to do, will probably be the thing that God asks you to do. And you just need to suck it up buttercup because this life is all about death to self in order to please God.” (I confess there is some truth in dying to self but it wasn’t explained accurately to me for many years). It’s absolutely detrimental on so many levels how religion paints God.

Scripture gives so many examples of God blessing people above and beyond what they asked for. When God gives, it’s like a lavish party that never ends. Solomon asked for wisdom and God said, “I will give you what you asked for! …And I will also give you what you did not ask for—riches and fame! No other king in all the world will be compared to you for the rest of your life!” -1 Kings 3:12-13 NLT.

God’s answer to Jabez’s prayer is one of my personal favorites (you can find it in 1 Chronicles 4:10). I have personally prayed a similar prayer to this.

God made all the patriots of our faith (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob) smashingly wealthy. I mean, over the top rich! They were so rich and famous that the nations around them were jealous but couldn’t do a thing because God’s favor surrounded them like a shield (just ask the Pharaoh who wanted to have Abraham’s wife whom he thought was his sister).

Years ago, I began to notice that Jesus never asked people what they needed from Him. He only asked them what they “wanted Him to do for them” (example: Mark 10:51). The Lord opened my eyes to this. Most people just asked for healing (and who can blame them?). But Jesus said, “your heavenly Father knows what you need already” (Mark 6:32). It was like He was inviting them to a feast they didn’t know existed. “Taste and see that I am good,” -Psalm 34:8.

C.S Lewis put this so eloquetly in his sermon “The Weight of Glory.” Here he writes the truth regarding most peoples poverty mindset when it comes to God’s infinite love and resources:

“If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” (26)

Until now you have not asked for anything in My name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete. -John 16:24 BSB.

I feel like I should give some personal examples now of how God has said “yes” to me:

  1. I asked Him to go to college but not ever have debt. So far I’ve been through roughly 9 years of college, vocational schools, certification programs, etc without debt and without government assistance.
  2. I asked Him that my first boyfriend would be my husband and that he would be a man who heard from God often…Stephen is just that and so much more! God knew what I wanted and needed.
  3. I asked to move to CO as a teenager because my two favorite Christian authors lived out there and because it just looked beautiful (not all my requests have been “spiritual.”), Years later I moved to CO for Bible college and didn’t even remember my earlier request as a teen until God reminded me. “You see Ashley? I give you good and perfect gifts.”
  4. I asked God for a baby and He enlarged my womb with life after personally speaking with my husband (who didn’t want a child at the time) that everything would be okay.
  5. I asked God to be able to start up my own preschool. I now have a home-based Christian school.
  6. I asked God to self-publish Visions of Celestial before Eden-Rain was born and start up Nourishment Through Words Press. He granted those requests.
  7. I asked God to move back home to California because I missed my family and the beach. A year or so later He again spoke to my husband, this time about moving, and now here we are.
  8. I asked God for money to be able to become a certified Christian Life Coach so that I could speak life and encouragement over others to follow their God-dreams. Father told me He would give me the money I needed and not to worry about it. He came through over and above the amount that I needed (which was a hefty amount).
  9. I asked God to not be a self-published author anymore but that i wanted to be a traditional-royalty based author. I began to pray to Him that He would connect me to a Christian publishing company that would be able to distribute my books to the masses. Just last week…He supernaturally gave me favor and my book has been picked up by a prestigious literary agency who want to present it to big publishers. I know this dream will come true also.
  10. I asked to see my brother this Christmas. He’s in the Navy and my heart has longed to see him personally. Later on today, my family and I will be going to AZ to meet him! Yay God.
  11. This list is exhaustless and could go on forever. So, I’ll stop here. I can’t help but smile and thank my Father.

You see, God as your Father has put certain passions, gifts, talents and desires in your heart. He’s not a tight-wad. You can ask Him and expect good things. They don’t even have to be spiritual things (I know I asked Him for chocolate cake on my 21st birthday and when I walked out my front door my neighbor who never spoke to me before had a table full of chocolate cake and said she wanted to share). God just delights in being good to you because He loves you. He has always loved you. He will always love you.

Please understand, asking God for things and expecting them, has got nothing to do with your goodness or holiness (at least not in your flesh)! Spiritually you were made the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). When you accepted Jesus as your Savior and Lord, God made you a co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17). He gave you a heavenly inheritance that manifest here and now on earth. “…The people who know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits.” -Daniel 11:32.

God wants you to ask Him. Come to Him like a well-loved child (because you are) and make your requests known to Him. Then, trust Him by letting Him guide you through the process of stepping into the reality of your dreams. Submitting to His Lordship is not painful. Submitting to His Lordship is allowing Him to lead you into abundant life. Into a life that is far better than you can imagine. Trust His heart. He only wants good things for you.

I find it interesting that the next scripture that follows training up a child is this: the rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender. -Proverbs 22:7.

I believe that when parents submit to God’s way of truly training their children up, that their children will flourish in life. And their children will live in great joy because this training will be tailored to their individual bent or talent. Meaning parents won’t squish their children’s dreams but help them discover their God-sized dream and encourage them in it. Their children will never be a servant to the lender. God as your Father never wants you to live in an impoverished state. In the Old Testament poverty was considered a curse. It’s not holy or good to be poor. If God doesn’t think it is, then I am confident in His opinion.

He wants you as His child to trust Him with the dreams in your heart, beleive Him through the process and experience His great goodness and ability in your life!

I pray that this blog post encouraged you to dream big and to run to the ever-open arms of your Father. I pray that you grow to trust God more for your life and that you walk in sensitivity with His Holy Spirit. He has glorious promises for you.

~If you need any prayer, encouragement and clarification on your God-dreams, I would love to help you on your journey! You can contact me for Life Coaching services! It’s absolute my pleasure to see you soar in the destiny that God has for you!

“I love you (Ashley) and I thank you because you’re the only one who stirs me up with my dream. God has ministered to me so many times! I think that those who truly pursue God’s dreams are few and far between. He gave me insight while I was singing with him that every single one of his children are supposed to be drenched in success and aiming high. God’s plans are no where near the standard that the average Christian has been walking in. It’s a beautiful thing and an awakening because he literally has an outstanding plan for everyone. If all of us would only tap into our skill sets and design, then we would all be hitting the nail on the head. Everyone’s glory was originally supposed to be huge! There is no mediocre lifestyle or money or love or blessing or talent or skill set or job in the body of Christ! We’re all the cream of the crop. Every single one of us but few of us believe and receive and tap into his mind. Few of us understand how huge God’s kingdom on earth is! I’m not waiting anymore. I’m running and I’m going to be diligent in what he asks me to do today! I’m going to believe it when he gives me insight about tomorrow! I will not waste my life away waiting.” -Chloe Lange, worshipper, wife, mother, Lioness Lips entrepreneur.

Love,

Your sister in Christ, Ashley xoxo

I chose this picture of my Father and i because I think it’s befitting to the message. This man (as seen on the right) has done more for me than I could have ever asked for…just like God. <3