…what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? -Psalm 8:4 NLT
God showed me a vision of Heaven and how He created me…
I wasn’t planned.
I was an “oops” baby. Even more so, I was born a girl when everyone expected me to be a boy. To make matters worse, my mother had really wanted a boy. She had suffered a previous miscarriage of her firstborn son and she already had two daughters. Needless to say, my parents were thrilled when they found out they were having another “son.” They even had my boy name picked out and everything.
I first heard the news that I wasn’t planned by my mother. I was in High School and we were driving through Gilroy to go pick up my dad from work. It was sunny outside and shafts of light reflected off of buildings and bounced inside the moving car. My mom was in the driver’s seat and I was sitting in the back, quietly admiring the railroad tracks, secretly wishing I could be on a fancy train that toured the country. The lush green mountains behind us looked like misty jade carpet. Flowers speckled the field between the two like colorful paint.
I don’t remember how the conversation started but in that car my mother confessed to me that I wasn’t a deliberate pregnancy.
“You were a ‘whoops I’m pregnant’ baby,” she half laughed nervously.
I didn’t believe her so I pressed, “that’s not true, is it?!”
“Yes, it’s true.” She answered, eyes fixed ahead at the road. She said something to the effect of, “your sister was still very little and I didn’t want to have another baby so soon. But we love you Ashley. I mean what are you going to do when you get pregnant?”
I laughed it off with a wave of my hand, “I know that’s not true. And if it is, who cares?”
I knew my parents wanted me. Nothing in my childhood ever said anything otherwise. They loved me well and I was very happy to be a part of my family.
Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal. -Proverbs 12:18 GNT
Despite my brushing off what I thought were frivolous words…her confession entered into my subconscious and grew undetected like a weed in the garden of my mind…giving life to other insecurities within me. After that day, I began to recall other comments that I had previously heard about my birth.
I remembered one time my dad voiced words that shed more light on the disillusionment that surrounded my birth. We were sitting at the kitchen table across from each other and It was supposed to be a joking jab at my mother…but it certainly didn’t feel that way. Those words were like palpable ice in my ears, chilling a place in my heart.
“You know your mother was disappointed after you were born?” he told me, his eyes sparkling with jest.
“Oh Ricky!” Mom barked from the kitchen.
“No,” I responded unbelieving, “why would she be?” My eyes shifted over his face, secretly imploring him to tell me that it was all made up.
“Because she wanted a son and the doctor told her up until you were born that you were supposed to be male. Isn’t that right Tee?”
My mom denied it in between fixing herself something to eat.
“When I came into the hospital room where she was, you weren’t there with her. You were in the baby nursery room. I saw your mom first and then I went to go see you,” my dad told me. “After I held you I went back to her. She was still visibly upset and so I told her, ‘Tee be happy the baby is healthy. I know you wanted a boy, but we have a baby girl with ten fingers and ten toes. Be thankful.’”
“Mom?” I prodded, unsure if I believed my father.
My mom remained silent for a few seconds and then confessed that she was surprised that I came out female (I could tell she didn’t like where the conversation was going and so I refrained from asking her any more questions). I had known for a long time that she originally wanted two boys and one girl…instead she got three girls first and then four years later a boy. Growing up, I also heard comments from my older sisters that my grandpa (on my dad’s side) didn’t fully accept my mother until she produced a son. You’ll find he’s missing in all their wedding photos. This was for a number of reasons I presume…I only know that he didn’t want my dad marrying her.
How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. -Psalm 139:17-18a AMPC
When I entered my teenage years, I began to eat without proper restraint. I stuffed my belly in an attempt to fill secret hurting places in my soul. As a result, I pushed the scale to 196 pounds when I was only fourteen years old. I felt bashful about my growing femininity and hid my maturing features behind frumpy long-sleeved flannel shirts (from the men’s department) and dark jeans. I hated wearing dresses and skirts and only did so when I went to church. I didn’t think I was very attractive as a girl and so when any boy would show me interest, I would shut it down immediately by just ignoring him. Even though I liked guys, I wouldn’t allow myself to even think about being pursued because I didn’t measure myself as beautiful. I found it much easier to play with my younger brother Alex, than to engage in pubescent talk with my sisters.
Then one faithful day, after a few years of obvious pursuit, God won me over. I had been ignoring his pursuit just like I had been shunning any boy who showed interest in me. I didn’t think I was beautiful enough for God either.
One morning, I woke up to an empty house (this wasn’t uncommon as I used to sleep until noon back then…a sure sign of depression). I moseyed my way to the household computer and began perusing YouTube to watch cartoons. In the side panel, was a video by a woman I had never seen before. Her name was Joyce Meyer and the title of the video was, Your Self Image and Your Future. Something about the video sparked my interest and I clicked on it. As Joyce began to talk, the power of the Holy Spirit became tangible in the room. Joyce quoted many scriptures about the love of God and how He created everyone special and beautiful on purpose. What baffled me and brought me to my knees in His presence in true repentance for the first time, was when she said that He thought better of me than I did myself. The thought of God placing that much value on my life astounded me. Tears welled my eyes and I threw my hands up in true surrender. “God, I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you for all these years,” I sobbed, “please forgive me! Jesus, please come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.”
I finally threw my life on His shoulders that morning. Abandoning myself completely to Him.
What happened next is a little bit unbelievable to some. I saw what looked like white translucent rain falling through the ceiling into the room. It was as if I wasn’t alone. Then I felt a cloud expanding in my chest. As it expanded I felt peace. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was filled with the Holy Spirit that very second. From that day on, a voice started speaking from within me and leading me into an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. I had new desires (proof that I was born again) and unspeakable joy. After that, I read through the entire Bible, I had several angelic encounters, visions, I experienced inner healing and was even delivered from a spirit of anger without any deliberate effort on my part. The Lord began to encourage me to buy bright colored skirts (purple was by far my new favorite color). Before, I had hated the idea of wearing skirts because somewhere deep inside I hated myself and didn’t think I deserved to be donned in anything lovely.
I listened to Jesus and soon my entire wardrobe changed. My mannerisms were transformed and eventually my brother started calling me a, “girly girl.” God filled with me such self-love that I began to exercise and eat healthy without anyone coaxing me to. My grades in school went up and for the first time, I was on the honor roll. Within a year I was at a balanced weight. I then became less self-centered and started helping others on purpose. I dove into ministries of all kinds and began a homeless ministry of my own. I began to live at church and soon my entire family was going with me.
Despite all these positive changes, God still wanted to heal the hidden place in my mind where I doubted my self-worth due to hearing that I was, “supposed to be a boy.” At this point, I didn’t think it mattered. I felt like I was cruising through life, but God knew that this place inside of me was still unhealed.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery]. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139: 15-16 AMPC
One morning I was sitting in my friend Alice’s house and reading a book by Dr. Charles H Kraft called, Deep Wounds, Deep Healing. As my eyes scanned over a few lines, a picture began to play before me. It was so real, it was as if I were watching a movie! I saw Heaven. Gorgeous clouds the color of burning diaphanous gold and peach were in the background. They reminded me of sparking marble pillars. The light from behind was bright and beautiful. In the forefront of the vision was God and in his hand was a ball of gossamer rainbow colored yarn. He began to knit something together. His eyes twinkled with pleasure as He worked. After He was done, He leaned over Heaven and I saw the earth, glowing with its diffuse aurora. God was so BIG in comparison with the world. His largeness stunned me. He scanned the earth until He found a certain woman and with beaming joy He shot his hands forth and put the yarn within her.
Instantly, I had a microscopic view of this woman’s womb. I saw God tenderly wrap the yarn in her amniotic fluid. He caressed the growing baby within her with a gentleness I didn’t think was possible. I was now in her womb and I could hear His voice speaking over me. His words were a little muffled due to the liquid but I remember hearing things like, “I love you forever.” “I made you on purpose.” “You are special to me.” “I value you.” “You are precious in my eyes.” His words coated me as I grew. Soon things began to get a little tight and I saw myself being squeezed through my mother’s birth canal. The light in the hospital affronted my eyes and I squinted them only to find large hands opened wide to receive me. They were God’s hands.
He took hold of me and immediately I was shot back up to Heaven. For some reason, I wasn’t the subject in the vision anymore but I was once again watching the vision like a person in a theater. I saw three Beings who looked exactly alike. I instinctively knew that one was God the Father, one was Christ the Son and the other was the Holy Spirit They all had an amazing smile on their faces. The One in the middle held me while the other two clapped their hands, danced with glee and rejoiced over me. The One who held me began to bounce me up and down, like a father would. I could hardly believe the celebration they were having. I was rocked and cradled and after a few seconds more, the vision ended.
I was so stunned afterward, that I just silently sat in my friend’s living room for a few minutes reflecting on what had just taken place. In those moments, God had covered and washed away the pained memory that was engraved in my self-conscious. It no longer mattered that my mother might have not wanted to coddle me close and long after my birth. Because I saw God’s hands were waiting for me the second I was delivered. He wanted me. He had made me a woman on purpose. And I knew He wasn’t responsible for any pain that I had experienced in life…yet despite his lack of fault, He wanted to heal the faults of others that had tore me, including my own.
In that vision, I saw God sew me together…intricately, tenderly and beautifully. That’s what He wants to do with every fraying edge of your life. That’s what He wants to do with every torn or shredded place within your soul. He wants you to realize that you are a masterful tapestry. That you are specially made. That your life is unique and designed by the most loving hands. You were fashioned on purpose. And He is pursuing you for your good because of His deep love for you.
Dear one, no matter what wounds you may have on the inside, He is your everlasting cure. He will never withhold good from you. He delights in your wholeness and in your well-being. He is never the source of your pain, but He is your ever-present promise of healing. I share this story in hopes that God will minister to the hearts of people who doubt the preciousness of their creation. You were not born the wrong the gender or color. You are incredibly wonderful to Him and you have measureless worth in His eyes:
~For a healing video titled the Father’s Love Letter, click here.
~If you’d like to hear me share this testimony through a radio interview on KKMC 880AM, click here. (It will be the first audio)
Dear reader, I know some of you may be experiencing more uncertainty in this time than ever before. I pray your hearts have been encouraged through reading this! I read a few weeks ago, that abortions are spiking up during this time of crisis and that come October there will be thousands of potential late term abortions. If you have the means to, I want to encourage you to help the pregnant women who are fearful right now. I ask you to reach out to them in any way that you can (no matter how small). I know some women are afraid of financial ruin if they have their baby, I know some women are suffering from lack of employment, poverty, domestic abuse, self-rejection, anxiety and other factors that are tied to this national crisis. Please pray for them and if you can support ministries that help women facing an unwanted pregnancy. I truly believe that the love of God is strong enough to not only care for babies but their mothers as well. No one is invaluable to Him. No life is without extreme beauty to Him. We are worth more than the gold in heaven to Him. Together, we can be examples of his love and save lives. Below is a list of a few ministries you can partner with:
www.savethestorks.com
~Also, if you are a woman who has had an abortion, please know, I am not, nor will I ever be anything but loving toward you. I’ve prayed with several post-abortive women. Jesus loves us all just the same…no matter where we’ve been. He died for everyone. If you need healing, counseling or someone to talk to, please seek care from a trusted source. xoxo
One Last Note: It was very hard for me to write this. I confess, I never wanted to share this story because I don’t want anyone thinking ill of my parents or my family. They have truly never done anything to make me feel unloved or unwanted. Their actions were always that of love and acceptance. In fact, they set me up for my Christian heritage. When we were all babies, my dad held all of us up in his arms and dedicated us to God. Before we were born, my mother prayed as a young woman that all of her children would know God and love Him. God answered my parents’ prayers. My siblings and I have all had an encounter with God and we all love Him now. If it weren’t for my parents I fear where my siblings and I would be. They taught us that Jesus was real and they spent their lives giving us the best life! I am so grateful for their prayers and the way they continue to pray today. My grandpa, who at first rejected my mother, saved us from financial ruin for over a year when my parents were struggling. He paid our rent and he has done many things like this. I don’t come from a perfect family but I come from a family who loves God and that is the greatest gift. I only pray these words will save lives by testifying about God’s super abounding grace.
For more testimonials on God’s love, check out my book, Visions of Celestial Love:
~ “Visions of Celestial Love is a book of inspiring quotes and beautiful prose about God’s unconditional love for mankind. The insights of this book help us to understand that it was the Father’s great love for us that made a way for us to have life together with His Son, Jesus Christ. Through it we get a glimpse into the true meaning of Christ’s sacrifice of love expressed through His death, burial and resurrection as God’s magnificent gift of grace to us. His blood made it possible for all those who put their faith in Him to have fellowship with His Father again.
I am confident that at the completion of this book, you will also seek after God with your whole heart and want to be in His presence forever.” —Alice Paige, True-Heart friend of author